Transcripción de audio: sin editar

And I am a very grateful member of this Allen on Fellowship, the one way I can speak. Hi, Christina. I'm super grateful and beyond magical that I'm able to tell a story with my daughter today. Because our story is a very long and arduous story of getting here. And when I arrived in Allen on, it was just really, I was heartbroken when I got here. But first of all, I want to thank everybody for everything you guys have done to welcome us here and the committee for everything that they've done to make this happen and to be invited to share. So I'm really honored to do it. And I really appreciate you all for being here. I appreciate the people that came all the way to ready. We're so grateful.

Wow. I mean, really? She does that. I love you. So, I'm sent in law and I said, you can't remember that, but your story. I mean, my husband said, just don't look anybody in the eye. Okay. I am just so grateful to be here because when I came into Allen on over nine years ago, I was heartbroken. And it was because of the disease of alcoholism and addiction. And in our family and with our daughter at the time.

And so when I got here, I think I cried for the first six months of the meeting, seriously. I had honestly tried everything. I had gone to women's groups at church. I had gone to self-help groups. I had gone to other 12-step programs. I had gone to retreats. I had tried everything to find help. And I never found the encouragement and the support until I walked into Allen on. And I heard people's stories that were out in my head. I'm along here.

I am hearing you guys tell your story and I can relate to everything. It was a different story, but it was the same pain that I was walking to at the time. Because our daughter was over 40 years ago that she arrived in my life. And she came to my life when I needed her the most. My brother had just died from battling cancer. My mom and dad, even though I was an adult, my mom and dad had been married for over 30 years and my dad left my mom while my brother was dying. And I was devastated because I knew I was in a marriage that was failing. I already had one baby and I had another one on the way when my brother died since his 13 months apart, my children. And I just, I loved her so much. She's just been a bright light in my life.

She came, she just looked at me with these eyes like, oh I loved it so much. Mommy is like, oh, she's still in my heart right away. So we've always had this really, really special relationship. And so, you know, when she was growing up, she was in Girl Scout. She was on mission trips. She went to youth groups. She had a relationship with God and she was really devoted. She was on swim team. She was a really good student. She, when my mom and my grandma lived with us, my mom's person and my grandmother, our vice versa.

They both got older and they didn't have anybody. So I said to her and my grandma and my mom and my kids were like older like 10, 11. It was so helpful and she especially was very helpful with both of my grandma and my mom. And I wasn't surprised when she in high school said, I'm going to be a nurse. I'm like, okay, I just knew she was going to do something important in life. I just felt like when she was born, I felt like I said, I have a plan for her. I have a plan for her. And she's going to touch lives. And so, she's living life and she graduates and she gets into the nursing program, graduates want to talk of class. And then all of a sudden, we start realizing we might have a problem here.

We had such denial because she was just such a good kid growing up. It was just super sneaky here. I don't know what it was that I'm telling you, we were shocked and we had a hard time believing when people were telling us little things and I went, no way. And even friends, family, everybody who knew her was like, on out, no way. And pretty soon started realizing it really is a problem. She got a job right out of nursing school, a really good job. She married one of my girlfriend's sons who I loved her, my girlfriend, and some, they started coming to life. What was really happening. And the denial had been like, no, we got to get you to rehab. We got to do something.

What are we going to do before you lose everything, before you lose this career that you've worked so hard for. Before you lose this marriage, before you lose your car, you know your home. And so we tried forcing so many solutions you guys. I mean seriously, we spent thousands of dollars trying to help this out of control, disease. Because we wanted to avoid her bottom. And I don't know if it was because we were trying to help her, or if it was because we didn't want to look at it as parents. We don't want to look bad. I mean we've tried everything. We've done everything to be the best parents possible. You know I loved my ex-husband, my kid's dad, because I don't want them raised in that environment.

I did not want them to see this is the only way to live. I didn't want them to see that, you know, there's no other way to live a life and use drugs and alcohol. Because that's all my ex-husband chose. And I thought he just didn't love me enough. He didn't love me enough to stop drinking and using our kids or our family. And so I had a lead in when my kids were babies. And I thought well by getting out of that, we were to avoid this, but it doesn't play fair. Drug addiction and alcoholism does not play fair. I mean they could be as smart as funny, as sweet as person. And you love this person so much because you know who they are.

You know that side of them that is not that alcoholic personality that is suing from you and lying to you and making up stories that aren't really happening. And you know the person that you love is in there somewhere and you get to them. And how do you flip that? Like we tried everything to flip that. And you know we went crazy trying to force solutions. We went crazy trying to help her get the help she needed. We didn't want her to suffer the consequences, you know. But eventually we had to stop helping. We had a, you know, she lost her husband and her job and she was in a car and we eventually had to stop helping with things too. Which was really hard because like I said I walked through some really hard things in life with my brother, Diana.

I walk with people who I love very much and they died in my presence. And that was hard. And then I think walking with her through this was harder. It was harder because the grief that I felt as a mother was so great that it just affected my heart. I mean because my heart was out there part of this time when we did have to let go she was on the streets living on the streets. And I think one of the hardest things was me taking her to the mission one day and just dropping her ass off there at the mission. I don't know what you're doing to help you. I can't help you. I mean and I didn't have Alan on bed when I did that. I don't think I don't know what I had.

But I just, I couldn't do it. And she would feel it too because she would come in the house, she would try and there was this battle going on so strong and it was just so great. And you know when she was out there a big part of my heart was out there on the street. And I don't know where she is. I don't know if she's a why. I don't know where my daughter is and we have this wonderful home. We have a job. We have money in the bank. How can we let our daughter live on the street? People are like those were worth you guys but they didn't realize that we've tried everything.

They say you know what? I have a great idea. Why don't we try this? We believe we've already tried it. We've tried it all. By the time these people had their great ideas I'm like we've already tried it all. And so I would pray and pray and let me see her. We know she's okay. I was here and since I have to work because then I'm like oh Lord I don't want to buy I know that she's a why but oh this is horrible. But I would always tell her you know what if you really want help you really want help or here for you.

But I can't help you with no help. I can't help in that phone. I can't help you with gas. The day if you really want help or here and the illnesses are torn seriously torn my heart out. And I had I was in congested heart failure when I got here. And because our bodies keep the score of this. Our bodies somehow it will present itself. And in mind it was my heart. In other people it's different things within our bodies. And I've had three plays with you.

So you see us up. I have right now heart-londed around so there's so consequences of it. But I'm telling you what I'm not in congested heart failure anymore. And I feel healing you know in my body and in my life and I'm forever grateful for that. But in this program I've learned to detach. And to me when I came in I was raised as such a dysfunctional family which I didn't realize that this disease had followed me out of my past because we came here for our daughter. I came here my husband would never come but I came here for our daughter but I realized shortly that I married an alcoholic. My dad was an alcoholic. My grandfather was an alcoholic too. I remember when I was a kid my grandpa went to two.

I know two rehabs when I was a kid. This is back in the 60s, 70s. It was a lot for a rehab son. They gave him some kind of shot and he ended up almost dying because they kept him in a little alcohol and it leaked into his system and he almost died. So I come from a whole long life in alcoholics. But I thought by you know what? Raising her in that environment she's not going to be coming. You know? I really tried so hard but it didn't matter what we did. It really didn't.

And so learning to detach because my mom had been such a good codependent with my dad because he was a pincher. He wouldn't drink all the time but when he did it was really bad. And so I learned how to be a really good codependent. Oh my gosh. And I'm raised too when we can be put in a suit which I'm glad because everybody needs one right? But I'm really thankful that my kids are loving people. You know? Because it's a good aspect to have in our relationship and in our personality to be a caring person, a compassionate person. But when you give everything away all the time and that's all you do is give yourself away which I did I didn't even know who I was anymore when I got here. You know?

What's your favorite color? I don't know. What are you like to do? I don't know. You know? Everything I did was for somebody else. See if it was for my kids, my mom, my grandma, my husband, whatever. And so it's just been a great program to learn how to like code of my loved ones. I've learned in this program walking with the sponsor that you know they have their life. They have their higher power and I'm not it.

I can't avoid consequences for them. And I tell you what, I've already was praying all the time anyways. And so when I got here and it was like well step one I can't remember what it's going to say about it but in step one I remember thinking okay I already have a relationship with God. You know? I'm okay with that. So let's see if we can understand that I'm powered up over alcohol and my life is becoming manageable and I have relationships with God. But to restore me to sanity? Like she's a crazy one she's not living out there on the street. But then to move her I realized what I was doing before I got here to get help to try to make something happen to change that outcome. The more I learned about driving around every street corner every bus stop the river trail the rivers looking for her any time in there night was pretty crazy.

And I don't know what I would have done if I found her at the time because I never did find her in those situations. I had friends come up all the so look for her. Let's go get her. Let's see if she's going to do that. We would do all that and then I wouldn't find her and then all of a sudden I was here and it was like I would bring it together when it was most important and I lived on my means. I lived praying all the time for our daughter. And then I would hear a marriage and just say oh you wouldn't really what happened but I knew God was there and it was like he's there with her and that kid. He's there with her wherever she is and I'm going deep over whatever. He is there with her. I can't be there.

He's there with her. So I'm so grateful to learn that in his program and he's just letting her live her life and some of the consequences of this disease which is quite normal. But when I got here hearing like in my first meeting when I heard I didn't cause it. I can't control it and I can't hear it. The three seeds that I heard that day I'm like I didn't cause this. I felt like I just was the moon or I didn't do something right. What do we do to make this happen? You know I don't know so I just prayed and prayed for God to show us what we could do to help her and I found Elmo and I came here to get her sober. I came here to find out what I can do to get her sober. Okay but you didn't tell me that.

I was super disappointed. I got to look at myself. I never knew. I'm so glad that I got here when I did. I think we were like seven or eight years into the process of her alcoholism or had progressed so much as she was on the streets and then I got here and I started working my program with my sponsor. Thank you very much because she's listening for over nine years now and she still loved me and she's working with all of steps with me and I'm so grateful to my sponsor to be my sponsor right away like within the first six months. I got her and for me to be able to have a place this hall and say you know just processes grief that is so strong because this is a grief that we don't have to support for out there in society this is a grief and nobody sends us a casserole form. People looked at me like I'm crazy when I tell them I am grieving the loss of my daughter and they would say why she's so alive and we're not going to be crazy but I was reading that relationship I was reading my girlfriend's are going on a trip with their daughters or my girlfriend's daughter's are getting married and my girlfriend's are doing different things and I just wanted that you know and I didn't have that and I know my daughter and I know that relationship that we had I wanted that back and I just didn't think it was ever ever possible again so getting on that plane yesterday with her I don't know it just really hit me really hard it's like look how far we come look what got a son to bring us to do something like this after that was horrible you guys you know you live it and so I don't know I'm just so grateful that I found this program and I have all of you guys in it because every one of your stories helps me to stay focus on me and you know since I came here and start focusing on me I've been learning how at night time I have it for crazy at night I've been laying up on public I like a hand from you well if you didn't say this or you're good it says that even in any situation not even in all situations anything work whatever so I'm going to shut that down a lot like I can say it's really be prayer over and over again or count from a hundred down or something to stop that thinking you know and maybe what can I be critical for one thing what is it what one thing sometimes it's hard to find one making but once I can find that one thing to think about then God starts showing you more things to be grateful for in the middle of the situation whatever it happens to be so I'm super grateful to have learned the tools that I can call somebody I can call and I've used that phone it's very heavy and it's really hard to pick up sometimes but I've used it and I call people and they're always been so helpful to help walk me through whatever I feed that I'm walking through and I found by using the tools and work in the program which I'm in the traditions now which I still think are kind of boring but I do it because my sponsor wants me to but it's a slower program than AA because I'm born in the traditions 7 now and I've been in the program over my years so I think that would probably have to work faster in the AA program than I've been doing. I went around the area with the article and the swole we're going to do it we got to do it right I always look like I learned it right right? so anyway well once I got here and I started learning about what I like you know I took ASL I'm learning that I have to start over again at the time because I don't use but sign language she should sign language and element she still remembers the whole alphabet she got me to remember like crazy but I have to take it over and over and over again but I do it I take that because my grandmother is memorable so I want to be able to communicate a little bit with her I love going to the gym, I love seeing a stretch class, I love to go to the Saturday market my favorite color is green you know I've learned so many different things and I have I'm doing a book club so I'm always listening to a book or reading a book and I love my book club I never already read and so now I'm always I have a kingle app I have the living app from the library I go to my book club and it's just I've learned a lot of different things to focus on myself and it helps me stay out of their business and they're probably glad because they didn't ask for my help and my adult kids they were adults when I got here and they didn't really want my help they're adults I was fine when I was married but for some reason I thought I was open and I still couldn't do overstep I found sometimes and I told my sponsors because I know I didn't slip off but it's not as bad as it used to be to deal with my husband so I'm super grateful to be here didn't it is that long enough?

I had a message, what? This is a family disease and it's also a family recovery and so I will save the program for hopefully ever because it helps me in every area of my life not just my relationship with my kids so it helps me with my husband and everything so I'm super grateful to be here and thank you all for being here Thank you, thank you Great job mom, not to follow that That was really good, not nervous I have some flashcards I don't have it all written out like her I usually just wing it but I'm not super nervous so my name is Don Elle and I'm an alcoholic I don't know Hello but I'm so much more than that I'm also a drug addict also but I'm so much more than just an alcoholic today I am a daughter, I'm a wife I'm a mother, I'm an employee and I am a friend all because of this program so my mom kind of went over a little bit of my story but I grew up in Eugene, Oregon I got really good grades, I was the captain of the swim team I decided I wanted to be a nurse in high school and I was a really good student She always told us you don't have the luxury of trying drugs and alcohol because you come from a long line of alcoholics and addicts I got married right out of when I moved to California I'm sorry, I'm kind of going all over the place but I feel so honored to hear you guys You don't have fancy eye felt, everybody is like what are you doing? You're taking vacation from work? Oh, well I'm going to Mona Pay on the top of that and now we're like oh and we're saying in Carmel so he's like this is a shock for me to be here because I've shared my story over and over again because it's a pretty righteous story and God gives all the credit let me tell you my higher power gets called a credit today I am happy to be here and I'm happy to be here today because it's a program about alcohol, it's no one's but yes, so I went to school I got married in 2008 for the first time I went to my first rehab in 2009 right in the middle of nursing school and then I worked a few years as a registered nurse I worked for the county and I was writing 51kps on people and then everything kind of changed I decided to do drinking news full time instead of working and I was I became homeless in 2012 at the time I preferred the term residential challenge now I believe the correct term is called unhoused but anyway 2012 to 2018 it was kind of a slow progression for me it went from oh we'll just live in a hotel because we have unemployment oh let's just live in our car and then the car was or in a pod or it was taken from the cops and oh we'll just live in a tent oh and then you know doorways or whatever so it was kind of a slow progression and I was like okay with every step of the way my mom had always said you know when you do want help we really are here for you but yes leaving in and out of sight there it was on the street collecting cans I collected $40 a day in cans if anybody knows that's a lot of cans there I was on my bicycle carrying all these cans and I was oddly proud of myself but looking back it seemed a little crazy now but you know I had some moments before I got sober there I was at my bicycle behind a big store where I found this refrigerator box and I was like that's a nice box so there I was carrying this box on my bike and I was so proud of it and all these homeless people are looking at me and they're jealous of my box and I was like what has my life come to and people are jealous of my box that was kind of the first thing going like what am I doing so in the December so my Friday day was December 8th 2018 so it was a little less than 18 and I was like that's a little bit more than 18 so I got into my parents work on my dad's own my parents owned a dental lab and my dad was the Denshelab technician and he had somebody who was working with him and he had told me why don't you just try it try it where you had for 30 days what do you have to lose and I'm like you know what I don't know that's a good he goes why don't you try it for 30 days and you know see what happens and I'm like oh I've been to rehab before it doesn't work and then I thought well maybe it could and so those 30 days have now turned into a few months or two years but if it wasn't for him to tell me that just try it for 30 days so I did and I went into rehab and the lady at the front office said are you okay with going to rehab with 30 dudes? and I was like yeah sure I have a boyfriend and she was all snobby and that's what they all say so there I was I stayed in the rehab for six weeks and I ended up marrying one of the guys so yes I got rid of the addict's boyfriend and they read the love of my life now we went together to send them so I was in the rehab for six weeks and then I was out patient for six months and I wasn't sober living for six months and he was in the mail sober living house at the end of the street so we would go to meetings together and you know I usually when I tell the story I say you know get a meeting buddy go to meetings together but just be careful who you picked because you might marry them but I had I had to sponsor I had to work the 12 steps I had to read I believe in my higher power I believe in God the whole time so if you have a family member that's out there like oh I don't know if they're safe or not oh they're safe it doesn't say that we can't have challenges you know I believe in God and he helped me all the way through you know and I know that my mom craved me all the time I'm telling you if I write a book if we have a publisher out here you know we could do her side on my side it could be called has a title already it's called a mother's prayers but anyway we could totally do that but I had to get my head out of my butt and realize that God had a different purpose for my life and I love being homeless like I absolutely loved it are you kidding me I had no responsibilities you know I loved it until I went psychotic so God had a plan for me I did have to try to rehab which was a good thing but in 2022 I got married and my husband said you know I never told you to go back for your nursing license because I didn't want you to make more money than me so he goes but now that we're married you can't even go for it so I decided to send off a packet it was 109 pages to the Florida Register nursing and it was all those rehabs that I had done the outpatient the inpatient all the things I had proved that I was rehabilitated and it took months I had an interview after interview I've done all these things to get my nursing license back they said yes you could have it back you can rehabilitate it but you have to retake the NCLEX which is a really hard test and you have to be on probation for three years which means that you have to check in every single day for a drug test and it's either a hair test a blood test or urine test and I can check in successfully for my 140 days this cost me quite a pretty penny too they also said I had to work six months at 24 hours a week and I'm halfway through that right now I'm at three and a half months consecutive six months after the deal I'll be off for a full time January 19th so that's a big deal alright I'm not going to think that they would give me my nursing license back because I was like man I had drug charges I had camping tickets I had all this stuff but I know suckers are $729 really you're going to give a bum $729 a bit I think they're going to pay it so I got to pay off those fines by working for the Caltrans or whatever and I picked up trash man that was like my second-day job I ever had that was great it was really fun but I'm just very happy to be here I. . . oh and I was going to say I had nothing when I started so I had like a bag of clothes that I went into reality with I had a bag of clothes and that was it in my head I felt like I had some death I had nothing and a bag of credit score actually wasn't even bad it was zero it was like nothing I had. . .

so I wanted to tell you how I fixed my credit so I went I had 29 cathees of course you know people steal legal backpacks and there goes your toothbrush oh well so I went to dentist I had a secured credit card and I'm so proud of that and I would go get one tooth fix and then I would pay off that credit card one month so now I have like a 780 credits or we get all because I picked one tooth other time and we're all out of it so I um. . . I wanted to say something that so when I was out on the street I had fallen in love with a man he was 25 years older than me he was one day older than my mom which I'm sure is kind of weird for her now but he used to say that we all wanted a lottery of life because God could have made somebody else so everybody in this room right here is in your cold whether what you're going through or not your miracle because God made you because he could have made somebody else but he actually ended up dying in 2017 which is part of the reason that I got to work it was pretty rough he died in the hospital in which is at the hospital that I ended up getting a job at which is I work now so every day that I go you know it's a big deal for me because it wasn't only where he died but it was also the hospital that I broke out of the cypher that in early 2018 so the same hospital left it's kind of a trick because every day that I go to work I clock it and you know I walked up the same elevators that I ran down ran out the back door and I'm running out the street in the Grains Club I broke out after the 72 hour hold and just cocked off me he's like um excuse me you meet the description of something who just escaped the cypherds and it literally says S. R. M. B. and I say no sir that wasn't me I'm sorry he said well it's okay he said if you didn't get adequate treatment you don't have to go back so I said I didn't get up adequate treatment and he let me go and I looked down and his name was the officer grant and I was frolicking down the road saying my wish has been granted and I'm not allowed anyway um it took me a while I had to realize that God is in control of my life yes I was putting control of my life and look where it got me I had to put him number one I actually had to be present my mom had given me a book and it's called The Precious Present and it's talking about if you live in the past you're depressed if you live in the future you're anxious if you live in the present moment it's just right and I don't know the office sense or something the hot thing she needed up and I and I've gone back to that rehab and I've read that I've read it to people because it means a lot you know the present moment is the only reality whoever experience so right now I'm standing here today and just grateful that God has given me such a great life sense you know the drama but I survived and I'm happy and I'm healthy today I'm not on any psychotic medications which most people probably think that because I had something I don't know I just gave God and God healed me yes I did the 12 steps yes I had the sponsor yes I had the sponsor I've done all the things but like I said before with God my higher power gets all the credit for us even to standing here like being asked to speak here you know we got to share a story one other time in 2023 and that was very powerful because it was the first time I ever heard her side of the story and was like wow I'm the qualifier I guess or whatever I mean you can feel that I'm like oh no I caused her heart condition I don't know I'm just super happy today the rehab that I went to we do service I thought I'd say rehab so the fifth Wednesday of the month we go and re-brin the meetings into I think if the H&I a meeting so we do that my husband and I both do that and we're so happy and healthy that we went through years of infertility and God had healed that and we got to have a baby two years ago so that was a big deal so yeah I helped me too in November but yeah you know what you want to get so where you can do it you just have to want it you can't look at your past with the rose colored glasses and say oh man living in that dumpster was so amazing because it really wasn't I don't actually have a problem I don't really that's what I my problem is looking at dumpsters still I don't go oh I wish I had a beer oh I wish I had a beer no I go look at that dumpster I should go again that's when I thought when my husband goes we don't live like that you don't have to live like that I'm like okay I won't do it but I just did a layup sitting outside of my dumpster at my apartment so I didn't go in the dumpster which is outside of it so I appreciate everybody today I wish I had more to say but I still have to be thankful grateful that's what I have thank you