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Hey, I'm Danny and I'm an alcoholic. It's like a little male fondling to get it going, right? You know what I was watching you read? John, right? He was the kind of guy we would look for to take to Mexico and just tape up kilos of heroin in post and pills because who's going to stop that guy at the border? Look at that guy. That's a sure thing. My brain still thinks like that. I'm sure you've gotten away with quite a bit. Anyway, it's nice to be here.

Thanks for having me. Carolyn, thanks for inviting me here. I think, Carolyn, you have done such a fantastic job with the speakers. That everything you want, everyone of them, from Darren to Madison, Tina is still here. Very wonderful talk. Very masterful talk this morning, Madison. I haven't had a drink since you spoke this morning. It's a master. Is Darren here? You had a flight to catch.

He's in the car. So good. Anyway, Teresa, masterful talk. Just amazing. You know, I mean, I can't imagine being new and coming in here and walking and hearing your first conference to hear those talks. Wow. That's a pretty high bar. Thank you to the committee for putting on such a lovely event. Yeah. How about Chris?

Hasn't she been doing a great job of her? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So I love this screen. You know, sometimes when I talk at conferences, there's a hand interpreter, and I will, for no reason, throw words into my talk that have nothing to do with what I'm talking about. You know, just to see what it looks like for them to say, change off. You know what I mean?

You know what I mean? And then watch the whole row of people go, huh? Change off. Yeah. All right. That's it. More cowbell. Yeah. More cowbell. If you're new in a, where's the people in their first year of sobriety?

Can I see you? There you go. That's right. Yeah. Think with this whole thing on for you. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Think with this whole thing on for you. And I came up here to talk, especially to you, in the hopes that you might hear the word maybe while I talk. Okay. That maybe you can do this and maybe you can connect and maybe this can happen for you. I'm the guy that shouldn't be sober. I shouldn't have ever been able to make it. I'm the guy that couldn't put two days together.

It's a nice room. I like how it's darker up here and lighter out there. I look way better in the dark. Like from a moving car at night. You know what I mean? Yeah. Anyway, here we go. Don't have a lot of time, so my father was a colonel in the Air Force. I'm a middle child. Three.

I had two brothers. I was the scapegoat. Everything was my fault. And I had so much potential. Did you have potential? And the first question everybody would ever ask me was, what's wrong with you? Why do you do that? What's the matter with you? Psychiatrists asked me what was wrong with me. And my father was not a nice guy.

We had this leather belt in my house. And if you put your hand back there to block the belt, it became the belt buckle. This before kids had attorneys. And they turned into getting in with extension cords and having my arm pulled out of sock. It was just this part of the talk sucks. I feel really bad for that little guy. And he would tell him, I would get these meetings that would come with, it's your fault. You're never going to be nothing. It's your the reason why we have to move. We had to move because we were in the Air Force.

But I believe that. And my first tool that I remember having for a living was, I wanted out. Out of the car, out of the window, we had a Ramblar ambassador station wagon, the back seat, face this way. Perfect. Perfect. Did you ever see the movie barfly? The fay done away asked Mickey Wortz. He says, don't you hate people? He goes, no, but I seem to feel better when they're not around. Right?

I am a people pleaser that doesn't like people. I need you to love me, but stay away. And now I hate you for not talking with me. I miss social distancing, by the way. I really like it. I like people in short increments, you know, especially if there's a getaway for me. So that was my first tool. I just wanted out. This is the wrong Earth suit. Something has gone terribly wrong.

My little brother, he was like the mascot. He could do no wrong. My older brother was a jointy Navy, and I barely ever knew he was five years older than me. My mother was a fantastic oil painter, interior decorator, five degrees in Japanese flower ranging, wonderful person who was also controlled by my father. So we move around all the time, and every time we move they pass out a little index card and they would say, what do you want to be when you grow up? And never one time did I write, I would like to be on a 5150. Right? I would like to be held down by nine cops and have a cat that had changed in me. Here they laugh. They laugh.

We laugh at tragic. When people are new, they're like, why are they laughing? Right? And on page 132 of our beautiful book, it says that we think that laughter and cheerfulness are useful because if you don't see us having fun, why would you stay? If you're new and you have some dreams and you're planning on staying here, you better make those dreams bigger than because they can happen here. Am I right? Yes. They're staying. Yes. Yes.

Yes. Yes. Yes. I never thought, you know, I've sat in meetings for years and years and years and thought never, not me and FU. And, you know, you're all virus. You know, you have no idea how I feel. And, you know, so let's see what happened next. When I was 10 years old, I sat behind some drums and no one ever taught me how to play the drums like it just played it. And I knew I wanted to be John Bonham. I wanted to be a drummer from Led Zeppelin, 14 group of, covered the whole room right there until Casey Casey in 1975 played Cut the Cape on American Top 40 and I wanted to be Steve Ferroni.

Right? Tom Petty was like my favorite band in the world and like starting in the late 70s. And then in 1994, my favorite drummer joined my favorite band. I'll get to that later. So, running away all the time, I don't want to be taken back to that house because they're going to keep beating me, going to child psychiatrists, going to juvenile hall, haven't had a drink yet. 12 years old, we're living in Washington, D. C. and somebody hands me a bottle of boons, farms, strawberry mornin'. I didn't hear mornin' right there like, good car. What is that?

There are no grapes in that. You can pour that in a lawn mower and cut your front yard. Right? But I was 12 years old man. I'd smoke in these Campbell cigarettes, never had nothing, never had a sip of nothing man. And I just felt my whole life like you said this morning. I felt like a whole life like never ever exhaled. I was so uncomfortable. I knew I was going to be asked to leave. I was doing everything wrong.

I'm going to get hit. And I took that bottle and I drank the whole thing. And that thing happened, that thing happened that separates me from the normal person. I like that you talked about a cigarette butt in a drink. Did you know that there are normies? I know, God bless you, God bless you, by the way. You know, I don't want people. I love you. Right? I was one of those people when I came in, when I looked at that chapter two wives and said, why should I read that?

I've never been a wife. Since then, I cross that out and I call it to anyone who has ever tried to love me. So all the respect I have, I have for holland and all of the people in AA that have come before me and shine the light on the path for me to walk. I respect you. Where was I? Cigarette butts. Yeah. There are normal people in here that would not drink a drink if it had a cigarette butt. Am I right? Rookie.

That's an olive. Have you ever gone to lunch with someone and they're like, oh, I'm going to lunch with their drink has been sitting there for an hour and halfway full and you're like, what's matter to go? I'm starting to feel it. And you know when we read many of us have tried to control, I, who, does that, would you want to drink like a normal person? Would you, have you ever said after go, I'm going to go have one or two drinks tonight? No. I'm going to jail the night. I'm going to drive my car through someone's living room tonight. That's what I'm going to do. Oh, the tape was smiling.

I like that. Hey, thanks for all your, what you're doing over there, man. Thank you for that. The people in the background to make this happen. More cowbell. If you're young and you know, that's an old Saturday night live skit with Christopher Walken and Will Ferro, just check it out. To me, we have this thing called Rule 62. Don't take yourself so serious. Rule one through 61, please refer to Rule 62. More cowbell for me.

It's the Rule 62 of the world, you know. So anyway, yeah, so drank that and that thing happened to me, man. You know, I would still have that dad at home with the belt. I still was shorter than everyone and felt stupider than everyone, but suddenly that wine got in me, man, and it changed my perception of reality. Suddenly, I was, I fit into my earth suit for the first time. I exhale. And little did I know that I would trade my daughter's Christmas money for that feeling. Little did I know that I would spend thousands of dollars just trying to get to zero, the absence of pain. Oh, I noticed you talked about doing a little carpet control this morning, too, didn't you? Where's the tweakers at?

You guys here tonight? I think these days are eight broken. Right? Oh, yeah. You guys been on carpet control here. You would never think standing in line with her at the market that she was on who doesn't know what that is. You. Okay. You've been up for six days. You're naked.

You've got to bite in one hand and light her in the other. Crawn across the carpet. You're taking an inventory of that carpet and you're looking for little sex with things. And when you find that little speck, where's it going? In the bike. Right? And you're not going to find any mad or coke or any of that stuff. You're going to find toenails. And here are these people laughing. They smoke toenails.

You're looking for drywall, breadcrumbs. And you know what? And some people sit here going to look, I never did that. Oh, yes, you do. There carpet control comes in so many forms. How many people in here, just to yourself think, I did things that I, I did things that I thought that I would never do to try to get out of right here right now. You know, that line that we talk about, that line that I snorted, right? You know, that I, that I said, I will never, when I help my daughter and my aunt, I never thought one day I will drink a fizzel vodka, take 20 kilometer and drive as fast as I can with you in the max seat. I never thought that I would do that. But I did.

Right? So we, we talk about look for the similarities, not the differences because if you're new, there's this beast going on in your head going, I never did that. Look at these people. The beast is looking for a reason for you to defend your right to drink. My piece is like a little five foot two looker. Got a little gymnastic bike, right? I'd be going in and out for years, you know, and I do my commitment. I'd be sitting there and all of a sudden she'd be. I never had one Corona. She is a liar and I thought you referred to page 36 today, right?

You know, in our big book, if you're new, some of the words are in italics. Those are words that are leaning. They're on a key look and these are important words. And on which what Madam was talking about was Jim's story where it says suddenly the dog crossed my mind that a little whiskey in my mouth wouldn't hurt. Jim's beast. Oh, Jim. It's just no. He's a liar. Six lines down. Thus started another trip to the asylum for Jim.

She is a liar. She is not a hooker with a gymnastic, but she's a 900 pound beast who wants me dead. And that's what the cunningness is. The bizarre relationship that I have as an alcoholic isn't so much as when I drink that I get thirsty or thirsty or it's when I don't drink that I think that I can successfully drink that it'll be different this time. Like we read off of page 30. Somehow it'll be different. And until I get beaten into a, you know, it says on page 30 that I have to, do I have to concede to my innermost self? What is that? My innermost self. You know when you're doing something you shouldn't be in your voice says, you shouldn't be doing that.

And that's your innermost self. You know, shouldn't be driving the liquor store man. Don't drag on. Don't get out of your car. You're getting out of the car. Don't get out of the car. Don't walk in. You're walking in. Don't go to the section. Don't buy the booze, you're buying the booze.

Okay. Just buy it by drive home. Drive home, but don't drink it. Don't drink it. You're taking it out. You know, that whole thing, that conversation and finally had to get my innermost self and drink so it shut up. So, okay. So now we move from Washington DC and we go. My father becomes the head of the inspector general's office. We moved to San Antonio, Texas and my booze farm turns into southern comfort improperly named.

No one was comfortable. I drank southern comfort. But it was half round and it fit into my boot in the concert. That's why I did that. And I was playing drums, you know, and running around a bunch of people that I got in trouble and they put me in adult jail in Texas and my entire family moved to the Philippines. They did. My father sent me an envelope that said find help somewhere else on Penn Stamps' Inn. Never saw him again. And now I get out of jail and I'm running around and I have the people that love me the most left me there. And I'm just running around with people whose bad habits would appeal to me, you know, and fast forward when I was 19.

I don't know if there's any other liars here, you know, just morning. Any other liars here? Yeah, some of your shoulders hurt a little bit. And the doctor's opinion that talks about where I am in full flight from reality, I cannot distinguish the false from the real. Because I'm a liar. I am a liar. I can't say, how are you doing? I'm Danny. You know, the guy you wish you hadn't met. You know, the guy that's going to flirt with your wife when you go to the bathroom.

You know, the guy you wish you hadn't recommended her job. You know, damn it. I tend to be something I'm not. So the true part of the story is I heard Rod Stewart, Google that, was looking for a drummer. So in 79, I put my drums in the bottom of Greyhound bus and I come out to Hollywood to be Rod Stewart's drummer. True part of the story. Also the true part of the story is there was a pawn shop open all night next to the bus station. So all my hopes and dreams went into my left arm. But for 25 years, I told so many people that I played drums for Rod Stewart that still, so this day when Hot Lakes comes on the radio, I admire my own drumming. You and you don't do my something bullshit, sorry.

Why you're telling them you're thinking, did that happen? Anyway, you know, I don't know. You know those pictures when you buy a target and it comes with those fake people in it that I had no family? I used to keep those people in there and hang them up on the wall and give them names and terrible things would happen to these people for sympathy. When people would come over. Oh, my poor haggness. Oh, she's got cancer. Danny, you said that was your sister's marriage. Like, never mind. You know?

My life was just bizarre. I, you know, it was just bizarre. Fast forward, 22 years old. I got no drums. I'm going to audition without drums. I have, now I have, I've lost everything. I have no moral compass. I have no anchors. I'm living in Civic Center Park in San Francisco with holes in my teeth and mats in my hair, wearing everything I own for a year. I never wrote that on the card.

This is what I want to be. That's where I ended up. The only thing I could do to get a drink was run into those bars at night and take all those unfinished drinks and pour them into a sifting through my shirt or going to a liquor store. You know, what I was drinking wasn't in the refrigerator. It was almost shelf next to the managed night training in the 2020. They get for change in Civic Center Park, man. That's what I would do. Waking up with my head kicked in in the doorway or hog tied or waking up in a 51-50 once again or in a jail cell, you know? And no one had ever mentioned the AH of me at this point. Ever.

And one day I was hiding in a payphone. Remember those things we had? Payphone. Remember that? There's these John has these machines. You can call people collect. So I was hiding in a payphone pretended. I had someone to talk to so the cops wouldn't keep me out of the park. And somebody put a bumper sticker in there and says, you got a drinking problem? Call alcoholics and I don't know.

Word of God, that's what was there. So I did. This is Julia. I'm not into the car. You know, when you're just eating and drinking wine 24-7 and booze, something has like, I would be crying in front of people and not even knowing people would ask me, what's the matter? And I go, you know, I just, I'm not in charge of, I was right on the verge of having a wet brain, you know, at 22 years old. And like, the only thing I know how to do is either I fight, you know, or I cry. But I had pretty much going, you know, and this woman says, you think you can make it 30. You guys probably know San Francisco. I was in Civic Center Park.

She said, can you make it to Bush and Gulf Street? 32 blocks uphill. Long way for an alcoholic to walk when there's no drinking. I will roll a state in the rain for a drink, right? But to go to this thing called AA, but I'm going. Now I don't know, bro, were you ever a blackout drinker? If you're walking to a bar, you think it's the first time and the bartender goes, excuse me, you out. You're like, well, apparently I've been here before. You go, you've been here all that. And I think when I walk into this thing called AA, they're going to ask me to leave because that's what reasonable people do.

And so I'm walking up the hill and, you know, and I walk in and it's always a big dude. Big giant dude runs over. I look like a chick on speed, like a size nun. You know how they rock? It looks like a red iodine colored barking meter, right? And this guy comes running over and I'm like, oh man. And he does the last thing that I think is going to eight, bend down. This guy was an eclipse. He says, I love you. What?

And then he gives me a hug. Now I ain't had a hug, you know, I never had a hug from a man. And I hadn't had a hug from anybody. I hadn't seen my mom in a long time. The only contact I was really having is when the cops got to like right here and they patched down, you know, or the end of somebody's foot or the front of somebody's hand. There was no hugging going on. But I told don't you ever hug me, man. And every night I walked in that meeting, that guy made it his business. I'm like, here he comes, man. And I'm like, don't do it, don't do it.

I was powerless. This guy, I couldn't do anything about the hugging. And I remember going there for like three weeks, right? I was going there and one time he didn't come over. And I was like, hey, in three weeks AA turned me into where's my hug? Where's my hug? I didn't know what's going on here. Listen, you're new and you're worried that you don't know what's going on? Don't worry. Most of us still don't.

Okay. You just act as if, man. What's going on in here is love. The most powerful force in the universe. Love. All. I as a member of Alcoholics Anonymous went for anybody new is to have this thing. And when we say if you want what we have, we're talking about recovery from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body. You know, AA has turned me into the man I've always wanted to be that I thought I could never be. Little did I know that I was a kind and gentle loving man.

I thought I did MMA. I box most of my life. Dudes for me were they were there for me to punch because that's what I learned as a child for my dad. I didn't know that I could be gentle. I never had a gentle male role model, but I found out here you can. So anyway, oh, the second person I talked about that meeting, this woman came up to me who looked like Florence Henderson. Mrs. Brady, John. Mrs. Brady.

Now, do you lost your mom or your dad or your brother or your family? You don't have any? Look around. You're sitting next to moms and dads. My entire family is from here. It's from here. My father is the family. He's my brother, who I never had. And we are each other's family. And she put her arms around me and I smelled like nine months of piss.

And she said, Danny, you don't have to do what you're doing to yourself if you don't want to anymore. And I shattered, man. And I couldn't believe that she was hugging me. So I started eight years of I sponsored myself. You've seen it in your home room. It's called untreated alcoholism. Mm-hmm. Oh, yeah. If your news is the only advice I give from the podium, if you're new and you're looking for a sponsor, stay away from the miserable people. They're doing it wrong.

We're on the road of happy destiny. If you see somebody sitting over there that looks like they don't want what they have, neither do you. I want the people that are having a good time. If I want to be miserable, I'll be in a bathroom with blood dripping from nine parts of my body trying to get something in to me. You know, if you have a problem, by the way, some people, I hear of some people get up at this podium and they call things other than outside issues. Please refer to page 410 in our World Service Literature where Dr. Paul shoots demo. I mean Christ. Bob, a bill, waited to page seven to take a sedative. It doesn't matter.

Look, I don't know what whatever his forces will is for me. I sure don't know what it is for you, but I don't want to be the reason of why you don't come back. I want to be the reason why you come back. I'm telling you, if you're sitting in this room, that's your chair. This is your seat. You belong here. And I hope you say that's what I'm telling you. I want you to be here, man. I don't stare at you like box of black tar, heroin, colonic, and we smokeable alcohol, pill form alcohol, snortable alcohol. It's all anti-dandy medication designed to get me out of right here, right now, right here, right now.

I'm afraid. I'm terrified of you. I'm never going to be nothing. Of course, she's going to leave. Of course, they're going to fire me. Of course, the band is going to kick me out. I'm nothing. Why should I even try? You get to have permanent sobriety. I don't.

So F you. That's how I felt for that whole eight years. Never had a big book. Never had a sponsor. Never had a commitment. Didn't have a home group. Get to the meeting late. Hated greeters. Oh, greeters. Your new and there's only one door and there's ten people there.

Hi. Hi you. And I'm dying. All right? I'm dying. You guys, I have this home group where you can't raise your hand. You got that group? You can't raise your hand. You got to be close. Oh, really?

It wasn't enough that I drove my truck here that's also dying about all of a sudden. Man, through your lines sitting here. Now I got to be good enough to be close. Now I found out though that they want to call one people that aren't going to vomit on the meeting. To keep the meeting more solutions based. Because you go to meetings and you hear rich people from any people here from treatment. They put you in the drugy buggy and they take you to zip codes that you have no business being in. It's nothing like being new, right? Your family's pissed off you. You're not allowed to talk to them anymore.

You're the IRS. $180 million, right? You're wearing everything you own. It's in two shopping bags. And now you got to sit to people listening to people go, I'm so mad at my housekeeper. You're like, you got a house sick? I mean, I just want to go shut up. The reason we have meetings is so a newcomer can hear a message of hope. Can I get an amen? There it is.

When you do that in Alabama, who was from Alabama? Somebody talked to me. Yeah. When you do that in Alabama, boy, they like amen down there. Jesus is very popular in Alabama. Every sentence starts with, well, an English roll type. Anyway, don't have enough time to talk about that. Eight years of eyesprinciare myself, still ripping people off, still cheating on girls, still ripping off my employer, still not allowing people to get close enough to me. The people that are trying to love me and the people that are saying, Danny, when are you going to get out of your own way? You know, and I've just put out this thing and just stay away.

And I thought everybody hated me, but I found out later everybody was afraid of me, you know? But there are people that try. So I'm going, you know, on the eighth anniversary of eyesprinciare myself, I went to a meeting and said, you don't work. A doesn't work. And if you had my bike parked outside, and if anybody doesn't like it, come out there, I'm glad to talk to you. It's like jingle of modern, raging bulls. And no one came out. And I went and drove off and took my eight years of eyesprinciare myself and took a drink and stayed after 15 years. And it got dark. It got dark.

It got dark. I became a front man. So major bands, bands, if there wasn't such thing as Colan Abin in vodka, you'd have heard of those bands. You know? I have a daughter who's doing really well. Right now, thank you for asking. My daughter strung out up until five months ago. My daughter was strung out and sent in all and met in Maryland. And then when I got her, she was five and a half months over. Nothing like, you know, preparing herself for the loss of the child, because you know, they're running around out there and there's nothing you can do about it.

I hope that they come back to this thing. You know, this wonderful thing, the greatest movement that's, to me, that's ever been on the face of the planet is alcoholics anonymous, you know? This goes so far past not drinking and using. But they don't talk about alcohol in the big book after chapter three, except for on page 58 or 59 where it says it in the step. Alcohol is not mentioned. It tells me what my problem is. I'm selfish and I'm self-centered. Right? The unity's the body I bring it to with me. We have this circle in triangle.

I don't think there's one on there. There's butterflies here. I look good in butterflies. I'm wearing a butterfly thong right now. The tag is really long. I'm kidding. Maybe. Maybe. Now you don't know. I can hear some purses and backups.

Did he say he's wearing a mask? Yes, he's wearing a mask. Anyway, on that same page, 132, it says right in the middle, we absolutely insist on enjoying life, right? So, where was I? So I went back out. And I would say, I loved what? Who said it? Darren, the people that set their lives on fire and then come running into a 12-step program and then resist the 12 steps. So amazing. That's me.

I would say, build my life up and then set it on fire. Right? And then build it up, set it on fire. And now it's in some bands that were like just amazing. And people that cared about me, that just recently this friend of mine who was one of the greatest guitar players that were played with, first guitar player, Frank Zappen and others, he recently passed. And Ron put together a whole bunch of projects that I would ruin because of my alcoholism. And one year, I think it was in 2014, I put together this. We have this big conference in the San Fernando Valley. It's huge. And I put together a 12-piece band for the San Fernando Valley Conference and three of those guys from this band that I was in that Armin AA came back.

I may have mentioned them for ruining this band. And they came back to play in it because AA saved my life. And I was looking at Ron. He was restringing in a guitar. And I was just looking at him remembering. We were the house band at the Roxbury. We were the house band at the house of blues when it opened. I mean, if Danny could have stayed sober, the sky was the window. And I ruined. And I was thinking about all that while I was looking at Ron and I asked him, Ron, how come you never came up on me?

Do you know what he said? Because I always knew there was a Danny in there. So people that come in and out and in and out and they have a hard time. I know it seems like some of us forget how hard it is to get sober and to stay sober. Every time my sponsor is real popular and we would get a little together time and people would walk up to him stealing my time from him. And I used to go, F that guy. F that guy. One day, the old turnaround, he goes, Danny, do you know the scars that that person carries? I go, no, but F that guy. And I hear things later.

And now I understand the scars that we carry, the stories that we all have just to be sitting in this chair right now. When anybody ever is in front of me, in and out of these rooms, I just think I'm looking at this human being that deserves compassion, which I learned here. So you need to body and bring it to a meeting. I bring it to a meeting I sit here and I hear people talk about things that I thought only I had felt, that only I did. And the first step in the first tradition tells me, we are not people that play well with others. We're not people that join the band wagon. We steal the band wagon and sell it for a keener. We set the band wagon on fire. So the first tradition which says that my recovery depends upon how well do I get along with you. This is the last chance for you Danny.

You need to get along with these people. Act better than you feel. You guys have heard that, right? Act better than you can. Can you care about their down the day? Even though you just, there are some people in there who are human velcro. You know what I mean? You could have a look on your face and say, I really don't care. They don't care. Either, they just, you know what I mean?

And you just, whatever. So, I think I need to. That's regroup. You need to be a buddy. I bring it to a meeting. But recovery is on the mind. And this ain't about stopping. How many people don't have their original sobriety getting you? We do this for other people to identify. Right?

Relax. Right? Many people have stopped many times. How do I stay stopped? How do I get comfortable enough in this earth suit so that I can not owe every single person an amends who I met today? How do I do that? The 12 steps of alcoholics. I do the work. Right? Which we summarize in six words usually around here.

Right? Trust God. Clean house. I do the work. I am actively sponsored by a sponsor who has worked the 12 steps. I have worked the 12 steps as illustrated in the big book about all this anonymous. I have a home group. What is a home group? A home group is a group I have a job at that I don't do so much that if I don't go, people will notice. That's my home group.

Right? You come in here and you give. You know? You get a little job. You get a little literature guy. You get a commitment. And now I do this work and something has happened. Something has happened to me. A shift has happened. And it says that something, it didn't say maybe something's happened in the 12 steps.

It says something happened. It says having had a spiritual awakening. That step says that it assumes that if I have done this stuff at all with half of the way that I did my drinking, that something has happened to me. And for me, a spiritual awakening, I have had a shift in the way that I think because the actions that I have taken, I don't think the same anymore. So here I am sitting on the corner of recovery and service and now I get to close the triangle with the most important side of the triangle. Service. You know, it's contrary actions. What's my problem? Self-to-self-centeredness. What's the contrary action to that?

Selflessness. What better thing can you say about someone that? Carolyn, she sure is kind. And you are. I never thought that was my dream. I never thought I want to be a kind person. To me, I thought that was weakness and it's strength, you know? So, how's things looking over there on the Spanish board? Over there. More cowbell.

Nice way. More cowbell. My sin's settled. Now I know how to say it. Of course. Okay. So what happened? What happened? 15 year, I'm going in and out and in and out. I don't want to go to meetings anymore.

I can't say so. They're going to ask me, you know, unity is supposed to be the first side of the triangle. My job as a member in AA is to make the newcomer feel comfortable, to make you feel comfortable. Go out in that parking lot. You know, all of our big giant groups that we have that are real social and stuff. Remember how scary that was to walk in when you were new? How do I walk in that room without a picture of margaritas? How do I do that? And there's people out there before the meeting, so I go out there in the parking lot and I look for a guy that's too afraid to come in, right? And I go try to brand him a mint.

That's my job. That is my job, right? But I tell you, when I was going in and out, I experienced a lot of division. I had people asking me in front of across the room, how many days do you have now, Danny? On page 91 and working with others, it says, see your man alone. That is not a question to. . . We don't. .

. it doesn't say the first time I go to humiliation or division, to bring us together, right? The only reason I am alive now is because my sponsor was so loving the only thing that was going to work for me was kindness. So let me get to my sponsor. So I've gotten to this point in my life now, like I'm kicked out of ruined bands. I own four things, a red-nosed pit bull named Brooklyn, a Honda Civic with no windshield, I was a catch. I have hand tools and a guitar. But for some reason, this girl named Mickey really cared about me. You know? Remember how people cared about you even though you didn't care about yourself?

Remember that one person sitting across the table from looking at you with those eyes, like, how could you do this to me again? And Mickey cared about me, she took care of me, she took care of my dog. And Mickey was. . . and every night, I did electrical work. When you're a musician, you have to have another job to make money. I would drink 10 and 10 size corona every night, eat about 20 or 30 karat of men and smoke a quarter ounce of kush. That's what it took for me to get to zero. And I'd be sitting on the porch five times a week, Mickey'd pull around in her car and she's under the window and she'd say, I'm going to a meeting tonight, Danny.

Would you like to go? And I'd say, yeah? Tell him I said hi. If you're listening on the recording, I just held up the middle finger. That was my answer. I did not have to work the steps. I did not do an inventory. But, Mickey, I can't get in the car with you for a high harbor resentment to alcohol and saloonies. Here are the reasons why and the truth is, if I knew how to really articulate and put together what I was feeling, I would have said, I will never know permanent sobriety. So what's the use?

So it just came out as, you know, I just wanted to be dead and I was too afraid to kill myself. That's the truth. I felt like I didn't deserve a seat here. One night, Mickey pulled around pouring rain, she got out of the car with an umbrella, came around, opened the door and said, if you don't get in the car tonight, you and your dog have to live in your Honda Civic. No windshield. Rainy. And I couldn't take care of myself and stand on my own two feet as a man. I had to have my girlfriend pay my rent, wash my clothes and feed my dog. So I get in the car. Not because I think I'm going to hear the music, hey, hey, because I think the gravy train is going to stop and I just want to please her.

And she takes me to a meeting in Beverly Hills called Grodell in the 90s. Now anybody in this room been there in the 90s? Let me tell you, I am not exaggerating. Four to seven hundred people, rock stars and celebrities and attorneys, Jimmy Chiu, Doshi Gabbana, Louis Vuitton, all veneered teeth, tan in the winter. They all have a terrace and they're all doing better than you. All right. And I'm kickin with two handful of loser balloons. I'm like, oh, there he is, the guy that can't stay sober. And I'm way in the back. I'm like, oh my God.

Why would you bring me here? Let's just get this over with. I'm sitting way all the way in the back. Which did between her and another dude? And I have been to thousands of meetings of AA. All I ever, I have this gift. I have this gift where I know where the speaker sits and having never heard him before, I can know that I don't like him. Really? Have I kept? Most of us do.

It's called Content Prior Investigation, right? You know, if somebody goes to ask, hey, do you want him before they even tell you what it is, you go, no. No, I don't want him. Well, you haven't even heard. I just know I don't want him. I don't want him. I don't want him. And then that weird thing starts happening around here, where they go, and we need a new GSR. And you're like, what the heck? Because your hand goes up without your permission?

Two-year commitment, you know what I mean? I didn't mean to do it. What's going on here? AA is what's going on. So I'm sitting in the back, man. I've been to thousands of meetings and all I ever thought was if you, if you mentioned God, have that sweater best wear? No. And this guy, what I didn't know was 50 was best friends with Earl. And she, Earl H was there giving a talk, right? And I, I had never heard of him.

Never seen him, never heard him. And I heard, me. What'd you say? Because I didn't say nothing. Me, me. I don't recognize my voice saying something positive. My voice doesn't say that. My voice is at you, at this. What's he used? Don't want some point.

Hope he don't like it. Hope he want to do something about it. Maybe, maybe I can stay sober. Maybe I can do this. It was the first time ever in years of going in and out, in and out, and sitting in meetings that I ever actually felt this little voice of hope. Maybe you can stay sober. Maybe you can be your kids' dad. Maybe you can sponsor people. Maybe it'll matter that you were alive. Maybe it's 10 million miles from never.

Maybe. So, the end of the meeting, I waited. It was this guy named Billy Sunshine, wouldn't take his meds. And I sat next to Billy while I ate up. Whole bowl of guacamole with his hand. And I waited for all the shiny people to thank your own. And I stuck my hand out, and I said, well, you sponsor me. And he said, yes. Be honored to. And for 15 years, that man never let go of me, man.

When I went to jail, in the Old Man's County Jail in LA, just who waited for me for seven hours for a two-minute visit. AA at the form of Earl H. When they were taking the catheter out of me, at Glendale, the dentist hospital, just who came here to take me home. Earl. Never get all of LA, he said, you got to give up on that guy. You know, when you sponsor people, man, it's heartbreaking. These two tell old timers a long time ago, you better buy yourself a black sizz. Because we die. And now with the fentanyl, say things just absolutely crazy, we die. I've never stopped sponsoring any guy that I've sponsored.

They have stopped using me as a sponsor. But I have told a few, hey, you know, I'm doing you a disservice by allowing you to call me a sponsor with you, and you're doing the work. This isn't really AA, but I love you and I'm always here for you. But this hiring, firing thing, I've never exchanged any money. I just, look, my hand is out. My hand is out. So anyway, Earl, you know, never gave up on me. On February 18, 2008, I stood in front of that man and said, I am done. Right? I'm done.

And he never really had to tell me to do it. I was ready, you know. Here's how my maybe turned into hell. Yeah. Somebody asked me if I would tell him the story. So I will. You know, I got this maybe thing, and I'm sitting there where I usually, you know, like three, I don't know, six months over, and that's usually when the beast starts going, oh, damn it. And I just turned the promo. Beastie's stopping the girl. And Earl's like, tell her I said, shut up.

If you're having bad ideas and you're new, and trust me, I know you are, tell someone that's how the beast goes away. The beast, the mental of such a bad idea. Right? Maybe I don't need to go to that meeting tonight. Bad idea. Maybe I don't need to take a commitment. Maybe I don't need to answer that phone. Maybe I don't need to call anybody. Bad idea. Brain broken.

Hey, Earl, do you think I should go out with Debbie again? Oh, you mean the one that when you broke up with her, she broke the windshield and put the hose in your car for eight hours? No, man. You had me get me a bad idea. Oh, I need to defer to a thought of others, huh? So I'm in my home group Monday night. I got my six months. I got my maybe. I'm the, I got a little commitment setting up chairs, good for your OCD. You can make them all perfect.

I'm sitting there. Beastie's talking to me. And you know, at your home group, where it's a participation and there's one guy you shouldn't call on. I became that guy. I didn't even know my name. They're like, there's the angry guy that Earl sponsors. And for some reason, this woman decided at the beginning of this meeting that she was going to call on me. She got done a little 10 minute lead. She goes, thank you for letting me share. It was all these rich people too.

Look, I owed the IRS $170,000. My kids out on the street running around shooting dope. I'm having a hard time holding this together. I'm having a hard time sitting in meetings and I'm driving home trying to resist the temptation of driving into oncoming traffic. I don't think I'm going to be able to do this. This maybe thing ain't holding up, right? And I'm sitting there listening to absurd stuff. And every, every once in a while, there'd be like a second or third person that would say something that would give me some hope. And this woman said, you, would you like to share in the whole room? I was like, I went up to that.

I went like that. And Earl's sitting right next to me. I go, can I see whatever I want? And Earl goes, go ahead. I'm on surgery lights. Ah, okay. There was this woman Nancy for real names. They take a shit last week, please pass. Called on her first every time you'd be like six minutes of my life. I'm not getting back.

Macrame stitches and just, you know, oh, I started with Nancy, never share again. No one cares. Hey, hey, man, you're getting involved in a bank robbery or something. And then a you stop. And you, I use foul language that I am ashamed of, that I would never do now. But they asked me to share an Earl said, say whatever you want. F you, F you, I hate you, all of you. This is the guy that loves me. Earl loves me. You, if I was on fire right now, there isn't a person in this room that would be on you.

Shut up. And no one said a word. Except March is two rows behind me. She said, I'll pee on you, Daniel. Said, I'll pee on you right now. And the whole room broke the flap and just like this. And normally I would've got up and shut up. Shut up. Fuck you. And run out and cry in my truck, But instead of like, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha And for five minutes, the meeting was roaring, couldn't get it back and the lights went on.

I'm like, holy crap, I'm in AA. Yeah, the lights went on, man. I became part of it, man. I was like, man, you know, I became like a, you ever go to somebody's house and they got a dog that loves that ball and they go, whatever you do, don't touch the ball. You touch that ball, that dog is going to bring you that. Spinny ball, don't eat in spell ball. He can spell ball. I became the AA Labrador. What do you want to eat? What do you want to eat?

And I walked up to my sponsor at the end of that meeting and I asked him the most important question, you can ask who's sponsored. What would you like me to do? And he said, we had this MMA UFC dude, right? With the tattoos all over, all he was missing was a sign that said, don't. Right. And Earl says, see that guy? Go say hi to that guy. And I'm like, are we looking at this inside of my head? I'm thinking, are we looking at the same guy? But somehow when Margie said she pee on me, I must have turned into Forrest Gump because I said, okay.

And I walked over there and we both lied to each other. How are you doing? Fine. Me too. Fine. But I did it. You know, the old AA saying, you don't have to like it. You don't have to think it's a good idea. Just do it. And I started getting really busy in AA, greeting commitment, secretary, you name it, man.

I've written musicals for AA. I sponsored a lead in the guys. I started doing all this, all this stuff. And I became a member of Alcoholics. You know, you can, yeah. Right. When people ask me what you do, they're there. They're going to triangle right there. People ask me, what do you do? I'm a recovering member of Alcoholics.

None of them. That's what I do. And then they let me like, I never mind. You probably wouldn't take a drink of that cigarette, but it would. I'm going to tell you this great story about my sponsor, who I love so much. Earl told me a day, by the way, I talked to him yesterday. You, anybody that knows early, he told me to tell you, he wished he says, hi, everybody. And he loved this area. And he said, he loved this convention when he was here before. So, so, you know, I'm sitting there and I got this little maybe in this like I'm in a anything, but it's pretty tough, man.

When you owe the IRS 180 grand and you're living in a box that has no air conditioning in it, and it's a hundred million degrees and you got to go to that stupid meeting with the stupid people and act better than you feel. You know, and all of a sudden my phone rings. It's my sponsor. Sponsor calls. Even if you're delivering a baby, you put a towel in the woman and you can't just phone. He says, meet me at the corner of Ventura and Rosita. It's like a million degrees. And I say, okay. Right? And I go meet him at a million degrees.

Mike, I was driving this Ford Ranger that was all beat up because of my drinking. You know, I park it like all the way at the end of the parking lot because I was embarrassed. And I was doing lunch board, I was wearing a car heart, overalls, and it was just a million degrees that day. Triple digits. And I'm like, I walk up to Earl and I say, I go, what's going on, man? What's happening? And Earl's like, this is for you. I'm like, well, what's that? He says, if you know what really does this a lot, he goes open and find out. He's a paper and stack of money like that.

Like a man, I don't want you money. He goes, read it. He says, this is an anonymous gift. Keep it or pass it on. You know all those people at the Monday night meeting, they hate the ones that said, wouldn't be on you? They found out you were in trouble, man. And they passed the basket again last Monday after you left. Said that you could pay your rent and make a car payment. And I said, well, why would they do that? And they said, because they love you.

And I started getting emotional with a man. And a parking lot in the daylight. I gave him a quick dude hug and I ran away. And I ran all the way to my car. And when I got to my home, it was a busy day. A lot of people around and I was trying to hold it all in. And Earl yelled to me the most important thing that a man has ever said in my life. In or outside of Alcoholics, man. And he said, Danny, you're part of something now. Oh, I got in my truck, man.

I couldn't even drive. Just a dam was broken, man. I just let, oh, you know, I started trying to drive. And I'm in the middle of a trail boulevard at a green light. The car is honking at me. I can't drive because I'm so overcome with emotion. And this little lady said, are you okay? I said, I'm part of something. And I took that little thing, you know, that piece of paper. I can still hear the tears rolling off my sheets, man, hitting that paper.

I had proof that I could do this. That I was in this organization where I could be something and become part of something and stuck it up on my mirror. And that's what, if you're new here, that's what I want to tell you, man. That you're part of this fantastic, wonderful, magical thing that we call Alcoholics. Thank you so much.