Transcripción de audio: sin editar

Hi everybody, my name is Darren and I'm an alcoholic. Hi Darren. Wow, I want to introduce you. Thank you. I want to thank Carolyn and Carol and Arthur and especially Jen for that beautiful connection that we had that we made up with it again and thank you for talking about this convention and what I do it. I don't just remember right now the table, somebody texted out to me two years ago in 2024 said, hey, we've been recommended for my RA. I were available. I looked it up and said, yeah, I'm available. I said, okay, I'll get back to him. And they got back to me and said, never mind.

I got another plan and then Jen and I'm just never know what that's going to be. I want you to know I'm the worst drunk I've ever met. I've been with Pat, he's so hard. He drank so much that he ended up sitting in the circle talking about it for the rest of his life. I can't believe I'm sober and I'm happy. You like those two things don't go together, right? You know why I don't want to get sober? Because sobriety sucks. There's another truth. I don't want to get drunk again.

Sobriety sucks without a program. It's so bad. I feel so weird without a drink. I'm so restless, irritable, discontent. I'm so angry. I'm so full of fear. I'm just so weirded out that I end up picking up again. And that's normal for many of us, especially when we're new. But if you've just come out of the lockdown psychiatric unit again, it was the insane thing you do is pick up a drink. Yeah, that's what I do.

Because that's the only thing I know because my alcoholism needs treated. I always treat it with vodka. And there's no getting out of that mood when you become, you go to the lattice stage in the alcoholism. I have to pick up because I need relief. And it will bring immediate relief. But you know, you should have a good time with alcohol and people say it stops working. The drink never stops working for me. I mean, it stops working in the disco day sense. It stops working in the nightclub day sense, or the going out high in the puppy in the funny little jack. That's over.

But this will never stop working because it will bring immediate relief. But then I immediately screw towards the end because you're just walking on the piece. And so, you know, if you're here and you're new, I'm really talking to you. And if you're, if you sat here in your wall and you depress or you're even suicidal and you don't want to be here, neither did I. And I'm a speaker. I don't know. And I just want to come here until we come here and then we realise how exactly all we needed to do. And plus I ain't coming to our person unless any of you are in a mood. I ain't going on that weird shit. Have you seen that on the telly?

That's the TV for you, lord. You're not sitting on the telly. It depicts our person unless in the most depressing week. If you imagine, don't it? It looks like one flew over to Cuckoo's next. Your youngers are like a good old shit, lord. It looks awful. So I ain't going because I'm already depressed. Of course, I don't think I'm an alcoholic. I'm not alcoholic.

I'm a party animal. Some weird things that happened and ended up in hospital. But I'm a party animal and I don't look like an alcoholic. An alcoholic for me is the boom at the end of the off-ramp with an horrible bushy beer. Not a cool one like yours. An horrible dirty bushy beer and a signed begging for change that loses a figure. That's an alcoholic. So it couldn't be anybody in there. You're either too young or you're too beautiful or you're too well put together. Some of you over there look like you're adding a drink.

We don't look like an alcoholic. So it didn't make any sense to me. So I was just the last house on the block for me, the last house on the block. And it sometimes seems to work a little bit better when that's the case. I can still remember it now. I'd already made it from England like so alcohol didn't do this to me by the way. I'm not having a stroke. I was born in Mantis, England. But it already made it over to the mean streets of Santa Barbara. And it was midnight.

I'm modeling, drinking my crappy house. I'm renting a shitty room and a crappy house. With three of the bartenders I've been fired as a bartender. And you know it's midnight and I'm modeling drunk and it was over. It was over. I've been suicidly depressed for at least a couple of three years. Every single day was torture. And so I'm going to kill myself. So that's the only reason I decided to reach out to our person on this. So I was drunk and I found the yellow pages.

You're young and you're like a good old man. And this is how drunk I was. I got the yellow pages. I couldn't find alcohol to not have it. Like Darren is in the beginning of the book. But I called the number and this wonderful older lady answered the phone. I'll be forever in Dad's house. She was so good at her job. Oh my goodness. I am work at it.

And she has the four shots of churping, churping and shit. You know what I'm like. I'm not straight down to business. I said yes, yes, whatever. I am not doing too much lady. But sure with you, for what's happened to me, it happens to you. And she just insert a little nugget in there. Say something nice. And I'd say, oh well I'm going to kill myself anyway. And she'd talk me down on the ledge.

And finally somewhere along the way she says, well hey Darren, Darren. Have you ever been to a meeting? I'm like, no. She's all, well. There's a meeting tomorrow night. Eight o'clock down the street, food in Santa Barbara. She maybe sounds so special. I didn't know there was 200 meetings a week in Santa Barbara. I passed out. I came to the next day, all shaking and baking.

Ten or eleven o'clock in the morning. I already had a few slugs of my vodka. You know what I mean? I must say so. I'm physically dependent on alcohol. At this stage of my drinking. And by the way, if I'm going to leave me bedroom, let alone my house. I have to have a bit of a cheeky drinky, you know what I mean? Especially if I'm doing something weird. Like interacting with another human being.

So I halfway through the name like, oh my God, I've got to go with that A&E thing tonight. And so I showered for the first time in months. I was yelling at her all super sexy. And I went down to this huge meeting. It was a huge men's stag meeting. A&E men outside this meeting hall. If I knew it was a men's stag, I wouldn't have bloody showered. You know what I mean? So when I get down there, and there's nothing like a sin on the telly, it was like this. There was a lot of happiness and weird shit going on.

Well, I fellaship and they were happy to see each other and corralidary. You know, someone had got engaged and they were all so happy. And obviously I'm not taking pain in me. I don't want to catch anything on these happy people. You know, by the time I get to AA, I hate people who genuinely speak it. But especially hate happy people. You know what I mean? And so I'm observing. But as soon as the Vastama are fun about it all. And then what happens next is just underneath the deadly innocence kicks in.

Something happens. The secretary walks inside, shuffles this paper. Everybody sits down in two huge circles. Everybody catches the coo, they walk in, they sit down, they shut up. They get off the phones if you can believe that. And then the meeting begins. And I'm just messing around and I'm like, wow, this is crazy. And as the meeting begins, I think, well, this is a good time to open the jacket pocket. Pull out a huge bottle of vodka and start drinking in the meeting. And the guy next to me says, holy shit.

This guy's drinking vodka in the meeting. I'm looking over him. Why is all of the other people drinking? Isn't this our vlogs on? Don't you have a drinking problem? I have a really bad drinking problem. I said drunk in the rooms of Santa Barbara A. A. for a year. For a year.

All the people drinking in meetings. It told me I'm a bit slow. I'm a bit slow. It told me for months to realise what you cheeky monkeys are doing. You lot are putting your vodka into a war bottle. And then really, it said, you could have told me. That wasn't always like that for me. I started drinking at 13. Now, 13 is a typical age to drinking in England. It's kind of a young binaud, somewhat over age.

I was drinking when I was eight, because I should have known because. But what I realised, you can't outdo anybody now, cos it happens. I don't even try. What about our speakers? You can see the best speaker I've heard. I love it to bits. He was drunk in the room. In the room! But sick. Okay, Theresa.

You win. She's here. She's brilliant. You're later out tomorrow night. So I drank from 13 to 33. 20 years. I love numbers. I love words. 20 years of drinking. I didn't just try it at 13.

It became a weekend warrior. 13. Drunk in the pub. I'm in the UK. That's normal. Now, for those 20 years, I happen to have a good time. A very good to good time. Most of that time. I was the only other party animals in here. Don't worry, Theresa.

I mean, some of the old ones are called long time. Some of them don't mind that the family have earned a good time. It's like, I don't know if they think you're glorifying it or whatever. It's like, no, no. It's like, don't worry, mate. I am going to ruin my life and then I'll be like, oh, that's wrong. We're going to get her. But I happen to just have a good time about her that time. I went to school, went to university. I'm drunk and partying all the time.

I went to university again just so I could continue to party. And then it became a small business owner with my brother. He had a, he's six years older than me. He's a genius, very, very good successful businessman already at that time. And he called me coming out to university. I was supposed to become a boring schoolteacher. Thank God he saved the day. He said, come back to Manchester. We'll form a partnership. And we formed this business together.

We were a great team because he's a very good businessman. And I'm a good bullshitter. My new, we're called the marketing director, right? Because they've just made a good team. And, you know, we have this insurance company where if you had a non-fault, real traffic accident, my firm would come and give you a replacement vehicle to what's in your fault and look after the claim. We'd have an engineer inspect the car and make money off that. And it turned you, might go for some personal injuries if you needed that. And we'd store your vehicle. I've an engineer, so no. But it was a wonderful idea and concept of the business.

And that, you know, within a couple of years we had helped some of these houses for almost two million dollars. We had 80 vehicles, dozens of people working for us. You know, the banker watched with the muse skepticism as I wrote some fat checks in an Amazon account. And I had arrived. And I'm driving an ice sports car. And I've got this mantissa on my arm, so things are looking good. But this is where alcoholism creates into me balls. And when I'm age 26, 27, 28. And I remember something, the best description I give is something weird going on. And alcoholism for me could first keep coming to the farm for many of us in massive amounts of anxiety.

And isn't that the worst in the world? And it comes in the form of massive amounts of depression. And it comes in the form of this spiritual illness that eats me alive from the inside out where my soul's becoming ever-blacker and sooner we just ash. And I don't know what's going on. I used to be confident and outgoing, and now I'm jittery and nervous. Now I'm in my sports car and I can't get out to go to this high-powered business me that set up the day before, because I'm paralyzed with fear. And I don't know about alcoholism, because when alcoholism is at its worst, for me, for us, is when I'm sober during the day. When I'm sober during the day, I'm fighting alcoholism, which is telling me this negative narrative. Tell me I'm a piece of crap. Tell me you shouldn't be in that business and you're an imposter.

I go out at night, even though I'm getting to the early bad stage of alcoholism, alcohol's still working for me. When we go out at night, I'm like, Superman, you go out with me, we're going to have a good time. We're going to have a good time. I'm like a mixture of us, eating me a couple of stiff drinks. I'm like a mixture between James Bond, Dave Chappelle and Harry Bloody Potter. We're going to have a good time, right? But then the next day, the terror, the terror and the madness, the frustration that we're willing to be with this bird, would be on me, and I don't know what's going on, and I'm hiding away because I can't do my job. I got away with so much BS, because I was the boss with me and my brother. So I could never make it in on a Monday morning. Monday's were torture.

And so the other side to the alcoholism for us is, so it's really starting to find me out. Me brothers on to me, we always have somebody that's onto me. Me brothers onto me. I'm feeling weird. I'm feeling so like a little paring iron nervous in the morning. But yeah, again, a second full-time job at this stage, my alcohol. My second full-time job is to run, because I'm feeling so weird. My second job is to run around Manchester, making sure you think I'm OK. Because if I can make sure you think I'm OK, maybe I'll be OK. And all you alcoholic will understand that.

Yeah, I'm losing my mind and I can't keep up and I just want to get out of this past stage. Do you remember anything like that? I just got to get out of this past thing, man. We just need a rest. I just need a rest and sometimes you get two or three days of a rest, or you're off a stake, or whatever. Let me write back to it and then meet this group again. And I'm on this treadmill and I just can't get off. And I just don't know what to do. But we've brought my brother figures it out for me because he's sick of my shit. We used to have these director meetings, these boardroom meetings, and I thought I hated these things.

We had four directors in this small sure-holding business, and I would never pay attention because I hated it. And he starts the meeting and then he says something like, yeah Darren, so we had a meeting before this meeting and we decided to let you go. And I wake up and I said, wait what? Okay, where can you do that? I thought I started this business, you know. Only an alcoholic can pull that off. Getting fired from a business, he created it. And I knew he'd have it all sewn up because he's tired of it, you know, he's just brilliant. And God, I was, all my goobs had come to fruition that day and I sensed it was coming. So what happens with me or an alcoholic guy?

I went from fear to anger in a nanosecond. And I wanted to save face and I went through it, I pushed the chair out the way, and I went through it. I was going to give him a flying headbutt, you know what I mean? Well I believe in clear communication. It's just the finance director tackles me just on an awful scene, you know, where the classic out with a mask is slit and Darren's been found out. I have to leave the sports gather. It's the worst time to exit the business financially speaking, of course. Now I'm walking home. I remember it like it was yesterday. I'm walking home, it was a grey, miserable, rainy, Manchester afternoon.

My life's just imploded. Worst day of my life, just imploded. But it isn't without only thinking as I'm sure, you know. You can't be talking poorly about me. I've got to change the narrative on this, you know. Who was there in that room? Busbee brother, these are wanker. But two other directors, they're my best friends from university, I'll solve them, guys, out. So they said, my world's just imploded and all I care about is what you're thinking about me. And things get so bad for us.

For this alcoholic, by the time I get to alcoholic anonymous, I can only think of two things. I'm either thinking about me, or thinking about what you're thinking about me. And so I get home, I get changed, because I'm going to go out that night and go to the pub and meet all my mates because it was the weekend. It was a Thursday. Is anyone else this weekend longer than their week? So I get home, I get changed and here's what alcohol does for us. I go down to the pub early and I have a couple of really stiff drinks in. The old first determination to win comes right by her. And here comes my men's Simon and here comes my main day. I said, all right, boys, you're going to have that bullshit today.

My brother's a wanker, dude. I built that business up from my bedroom. And they're like, yeah, you did that. That's right, you did that. That's all I heard about. They bought it. Yeah, they're in anything you touch, turns to gold. That's all I heard about is what they thought about me. And now I've had a couple more drinks. Now, 15 of the lads are in the pub and I've got an audience and I have on my soapbox and I'm telling them all sorts of nonsense.

Yeah, I don't know any of those. You know what I mean? You know what I'm going to do, boys? When I get my check, when I was a student, I used to look travelling. I said, when I get my money, I said, you know what I'm going to do? I'm getting out of my mind. I said, I'm going to go travelling again. I said, you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to go to America. And I'm going to become president of America, essentially.

Well, apparently anyone can become president of America. I said that for Biden and all, he's another wanker at all, wankers. I think the problem is that she's looking at weather. Right? I think the problem is me brother, he's a wanker. I think the problem is me girlfriend. She keeps leaving me for stupid little things like my cheating on her and stuff. So many people have come for a flight at Manchester International Airport and flies me all the way to LAX. And here I am. I came to America for a two-week holiday 26 years ago.

I never made it back to Manchester. I'm coming here just to take the edge off. Things are going a bit awry back in the UK, you know what I mean? I am an uncle I've never met before. He's lived in Santa Barbara for 20 years, from 1980 to 2000. This guy comes and picks me up, built a big spliff, likes it up and it's me. He says, welcome to America, Darren. I thank you very much, I'll go Patrick. This is going to go on great, you know what I mean? Now I like to drink when I'm all of it.

So, this man, he drives up the 101 to Santa Barbara from LAX. This man owns a bar in downtown Santa Barbara. See, there is a gun. I'm drunk for two weeks straight and in this two weeks I realised me visa away, were a larger mistake but 90 days. So I'm going to change the flight. I'm going to stay for 90 days. I'm drunk off my ass, 90 days. This man has the funniest puppy in the English part, puppy in Santa Barbara. Everybody loves it. I'm new in town, I've got a funny accent and a party animal.

I don't have a drinking problem. I might do too many, you know what? And this is Al I'm a little drunk. I'm a little drunk. I'm a little drunk. I'm a little drunk. I'm a little drunk. I'm a little drunk. I'm a little drunk. I'm a little drunk.

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I'm a little drunk. I'm a little drunk. I'm a little drunk. I'm a little drunk. I'm a little drunk. I'm a little drunk. I'm a little drunk. I'm a little drunk. I'm a little drunk. I'm a little drunk.

I'm a little drunk. I'm a little drunk. I'm a little drunk. I'm a little drunk. I'm a little drunk. I'm a little drunk. I'm a little drunk. I'm a little drunk. I'm a little drunk. I'm a little drunk.

I'm a little drunk. I'm a little drunk. I'm a little drunk. I'm a little drunk. I'm a little drunk. I'm a little drunk. I'm a little drunk. I'm a little drunk. I'm a little drunk. I'm a little drunk.

I'm a little drunk. I've gotten a little drunk. I have got a little drunk. I've got the little drunk. I have got the little drunk. I have got a little drunk I've got to get a little drunk. I mean, some people don't like it, the police don't seem to like it, spouses don't like it, bosses definitely don't like it. But that's not a problem. The real problem for any real alcoholic is facing life so bad. And now I'm out of money and I have no income and my uncle says, why didn't you come apart and do it?

Because he does not know what's going on and it was like the best job in the world and the worst job in the world all rolled into law. It brought me to my knees pretty quick. I ended up bartering for two years, just on the two years that I'm hanging on by a thread. Everything takes a big shift. We're doing a lot of white goods to stay away. We're covering each other. I couldn't. I feel so weirdied out on my days off, you have to have a drink, right? And in the stupid bartering, seeing downtown, you have to go and visit all your other bartering friends and tip them and all this stupid stuffs on and drunk at work and I'm drunk on my days off. And it's just this hellish torture ever.

Sense of impending doom the whole time. Now I know why. All the whole two years, the book says we stood at the turning point. I lived at the turning point, hanging on by a thread for almost two years with a sense of impending doom. Now I know why we have a sense of impending doom. It's because something bad is going to happen. The way you live in your life like that. Like I'm the drunkiest person in the bar and I'm the bartender. I should be invited after my first shit. How I never lost this bad is bad, I'll never know.

Many times the locals would like get older me, put me in the corner of the bar, slump me on a stool because I'm so drunk and I'd be looking at one eye as the locals are serving each other. Getting into the money and shit serving each other like this ain't right man. I would come to my face, stuck to the concrete floor of the bar, empty bar, the doors open, the till's open. Money's ever just an absolute nightmare. Things were so bad now I needed a dream to go to work. You know I'd come to my bed's wet through with Yegemyster coming out of every pore of my body. And my mind is racing like he does and it says in the book and I'm just like, Oh my God, what has happened to me? I know there's something seriously wrong with me but I still really don't know it's alcoholism. There's something weird going on. I know I can't be in my entrepreneurial position in England again and all of them past that have ruined a lot of wiring for that but what's going on?

And I'm like, you know what, well at least please let it be my day off because I can't fathom going to work and be responsible. You know you've got that level of anxiety and you've supposed to grow up and deal with people like, Hello, how are you? Oh shit, I'm losing my mind. If he looks at me right in the eyes he'll know I've lost my mind. So I'm like, please go, you know, it's 90 and please don't even look at it. Oh my God, it's a Wednesday and I've got to be at work in half an hour. So I'm feeling like that. We go so work sometimes with a hangover so bad, so bad that most normal people would dial 9 on my mind. Yeah, I've got to go to work because I've taken the previous 18 Wednesdays off work with no issues. I've got to go to work or so but I have a plan and it involves alcohol.

I jump in the shower, I get on my bike because I want to get another DUI. I'm bombing down State Street. Huge delivery trucks are coming up the other way and I fantasize about just riding underneath one of them because they will look like an accident as well, right? And only you understand that. But I'll make it all the way to Dagen's Irish pub at 9. 20 cos I need a drink. So I'll go to this pub before going to the English. I'm going to an Irish pub to have a drink so they go across the road to the English pub and go to work. Isn't that seen logical? So I put my bike outside the hedge and I grab the door handles of Dagen's and within the nanosecond of holding that door handle, I've changed my mind at least six times just to go out to State Street and kill yourself.

No, not now. And I'll open the door, walk into this huge empty Irish pub and this usual scene and who needs it, what loser needs a drink at 9. 20? So I'm trying to figure out how can a finagle drink into the conversation? I walk in and there's beautiful, beautiful Irish. You go, oh my God, she was so gorgeous. She saw way out of my league and she's cleaning the beer pumps and never cleaned nothing in my bag. She's cleaning the beer pumps and I'm walking in dying and I'm eating a drink and she looks over and she goes, Jesus, Darren, how are you doing? I said, I'm all right, I bit rough, I bit rough. I went out last night, if I'm a sugar go down, and I've got to go to work, but I want to get me shift covered, but I've had the previous 80.

When's this covered? And she says to me, would you like a pint? I said, look, yes, I'd like a pint. Yes, I'd like a pint. Now, here's the problem. I don't think I can wait for 30 seconds, it's going to take it to call this one. I am losing my mind and she walks around the back of the bar, grabs all of the beer, it's like slow motion now. She's filling the thing and I'm dying, I'm losing my shit. And she looked my way and I got, I think I'm going to go. And she came over to me and she put the pint in front of me.

But she didn't carry on off to work. She puts it in front of me and she stands there, just looking right at me. You know, like she wants to chit you out of the stuff, shit. I just want to pull me knife out and stab her in the net. We eat her out so I can get me pint and drink me pint. Three seconds, roll it. Three seconds flat and I put the pint out. But it hasn't quite done the trick, man. It hasn't quite done the trick because it's not strong enough. And I'm dying.

I'm dying, I've got to go to work and she can sense it, she can feel it. And she said, would you like a yayga? I said, yeah. I really need a yayga. And she didn't bother me that little shot glass ball. She gave me a tumbler full of that sucker. And she's pouring that thing in. I feel good just watching that get a feel go. I'd say that yayga, my son had glugged down, glugged down, glugged down, I got a warm fuzzy feeling down and back up. And they're like, oh, 30 seconds later.

30 seconds later I'm back in charge. I've gone from a trembling, despairing, nervous wreck to a man brimming all with self-awareness. Just like that, just like that. Now I'm going to go to work at my bar, my bar. I might even come back on my break to Shagiva, you know what I mean? If she's lucky. I've got to the bar, I've set the allergy off. I have a cup of margarine, so I'm a drunkie's burger in the bar, yeah. I'm drunkie's version of bar. How am I lost that money's barrel, never done?

I come to the next morning, sense of impending doom the whole time. Six missed calls on my phone that next day. Six missed calls and it's over. I answer the seven call. Get down here, now. Oh my god, it is over. The gig is up. This is 10 times worse than losing my entrepreneurial position in the UK. This is over. I had a job you're actually allowed to have a little cheeky drinker.

And I even screwed that up. I get dressed, I go walking down to the bar. I'm about to go in the bar and I'm crying. I'm crying and I was going to tell him the truth. And I would have passed a lie detector test. And I go into the bar crying and I said, please don't fire me. I'll never, ever drink at this pub, ever again, during my shifts. I'll probably, Darren, you'll never work near ever again. Never mind losing me bar. I've nearly gotten divorced six times because of you.

You get out of here. You're not, you're never working again. You're looking for work anywhere in Santa. Oh, I went out and tied one on that day. I tied one on that night. Frightful drinking. I go up the next day. I'm sore off. I'm sore off. I went to a couple of bars.

And then I went back to my bar about 11. 30 that morning to see who took my shift. And the third drink I threw the pint all over it in front of everybody. In front of everybody. How to get ostracized from the whole of the downtown bar scene in a nanosecond. Only we can pull some shit like that off. Darren, you get out of here right now when I'm a CEO of Face Again. It took me about two weeks to get bad from every pub in downtown Santa Barbara. James Joyce. All Mally's.

Old Kings Road. The sportsman is very difficult to get bad. We're mad as that as well. I just went on a deathmatch and now, you know, I'm not like, I'm not a function alcoholic. I'm not a cute little drunk. I'm like a vodka drinking mania. And a typical day for me is I would come to. I haven't seen anybody for months. I've been kicked out of my apartment illegally trying to get the service to get me kicked out because I can't work and I can't pay rent. So I would come to and it would be pitch black outside.

I have no idea whether it's night or day. I figured out, oh my God, it's 5 a. m. and darkest hour before the door. Now I have strong, horrible, warm vodka in my bed. Because I'm going to need it for this day, like, but I saw desperately the moment I drink it because I know what that means. But I'm playing the game for 10 minutes. I can only manage 10 minutes of the mental and helliest torture. Drink it, you'll make all your problems go away. If you drink it, you'll screw.

And I'm just like, I've drank so much hard alcohol. I've done so many drugs. I've ruined me wiring. I've cracked the mind. It's over. And so after 10 minutes, I'm going to kill myself. Now I'll drink it, but it's not going to make me Superman again. Not funny. But it's going to just about take the thoughts of suicide, anyway. It will just about do that.

And I'm drinking from tall bottles of vodka. And I always leave four fingers left in the bottom of it. And so I will jug that down and it will solve that problem. But now here's what the problem is. I've just fed the beast. And now the beast needs feeding. And so now after finishing that vodka, it's not even 6 a. m. And I've got to put on my smelly baggy clothing to go one block to Foodland liquor store to steal two big bottles of vodka. And one time I go to Foodland and they catch me reflection in a huge shop front window.

And it's so outrageous I came back to it. I'm like, whoa. And I go right up to my reflection and stirring back to me this old man, his greasier or stuchey face. I've got a big bushy beard. I'm soaking down with underweight yellow with jaundice. I look 15 years older than I should have. And I went right up to my reflection and I said, wow, I said, I better not tell anyone about that. I'm carried on to food. And I steal my two bottles of vodka and go thinking up home. Now when you get home, do you want to pound the vodka because I need a oblivion, right?

No, no, no, no. It's like a science project. It is immensely important that first bottle gets nursed into the later afternoon. Because the second bottle has to get me into the evening. Because I'm trying to get to 9, 10, 11 o'clock at night. So for once, leave enough in the morning. For once, catch a good enough sleep to wake up and not drink like that ever again. This is the mind and body of marvelous mechanisms. I drank like that for two more years. Two more years of jails, institutions and death.

Then I started to turn up at the rooms of Santa Barbara AA drunk for a year. And I had quite a reputation. Let me tell you, 22, 23 years ago. But here's how I got sober. I came to one morning and there was no vodka under my bed. And then it never happened to me before. I took it as a sign. This is the day when I killed myself. No big deal, no big drama. I tried to kill myself about things before.

90 days before, a modeling drunk in my house is midnight. The three roommates at downtown party and again have an exclusion me, of course. And I remembered one of them as an arsenal of weapons in his bedroom. He was at maniac. So he'd jimmy the door so I could get one. I broke in there. There's like an AK over here. There's a shotgun in the closet. Several loading handguns. Now I'm English.

I don't quite know what I'm doing with the gun. But I find the loading revolver, got a staggering exit in the living room and sit down on the couch. I put the gun in my mouth. It's cold. It's heavy on my teeth. And I'm thinking, what do you do? Do you pull the back of your head off? I'll just shoot up through the roof of your house. And as I'm thinking it through, the thought came to me. Hey Darren, it's midnight.

If you pull the trigger right now, you'll definitely wake up and end up going, I'm too polite for that shit. But today's the day I'm going to do it. And I stay in the bedroom from about 8am to 10am, delivering how to do it. And I decided to throw myself off Santa Barbara's biggest bridge. Cold Springs Bridge on the 154. So I go outside and if my car is there, thank God, was anyone else losing their car? Oh, it's a movie, dude, who was my car? Macare is there, my rank is there. Jumping my car, I drive 25 minutes up the 154, this bridge is now a suicide rail, isn't it? It got so outrageous.

But back then it didn't. I pan my car and I've been on the bridge before. And I walked to the center bridge, I'm just going to walk off. No big drama. And as I get close, I pause because I know it's going to kill me mum. And in that pause, Grace comes in the bottom of mum and now I've got some numbers who told me the truth. And he was sick of my shit sometimes I would share inappropriately and I would share that. I'm going to kill myself and A doesn't work and all that. And he called me off to the side and he said, listen, Darrel, what are you talking about? For goodness sakes, first of all, you might well kill yourself.

You won't be the first and you won't be the last. He said, but you can't say it. A. A. doesn't work. You haven't done nothing around here. And I got angry because he's telling me the truth. I said, I've been coming in for a year old man. He said, I'll go down on my tell. First of all, you should come sober.

He said, is there a job like you? You need to get a sponsor and you need to work the 12 steps to have a psychic change or a spiritual awakening. And I'm on the bridge going, oh my God, I'm so foolish. He's right. I had two big secrets, just like many of you will have the same two big secrets. One was, I didn't have a sponsor. And if I did, it was in name only, which is disabled. Oh shit, by the way. And the other is, I wasn't working any steps. And I decided not to kill me both.

And I made somewhat of a third step decision because I was sincerely took this position. And God is so cool, even like God out of it. Left him out of it and he didn't care. It was so cool. And I said to myself, okay, I'm going to go back to that Salababra AA. And I'm going to do those stupid 12 steps. And when they don't work, I'm going to go find that man. And then take him off the bridge with me. Now I'm so dt and so bad. I'm so bad.

I can't just come skipping to the rooms. I need to be once again medically detox. I've been hospitalized many times. I've been in the drunk tank many times. I'm in detoxes and treatment centers. And I finally got off the lockdown psychiatric unit regularly. That's where my drinking takes me. And so I jumped in my car and I drive back down and got to Santa Barbara Cottage Hospital emergency room and a park in my usual spot. It's about 11 a. m.

And as I'm pulling into the car park, I hit the car next to me. A stationary vehicle in the car park. Just chewing down a goddamn mamming road and a crash in the car park of the hospital. I get out of the car. There's two cops already there around the corner. They put this security comes over. The cops come around. I get out and say, I'm so sorry, that was my fault. I said, oh, it was a parked car. You know what I mean?

I said, no, no, I've got my ID. That was my fault. That was my car. And one cop goes behind me. He's almost going to be like rude in from here. The other cop comes up to me. He's about to say something. It's about 11 a. m. and he think he smells me because he goes, whoa.

He says, have you been drinking? I thought, that's a weird first question. I said, no, no, why have you? I had a problem. He said, you reek about all. I said, I don't want to tell you. I'm not out of drink. He said, well, you're doing some field sobriety sets. I said, oh my God, OK. I do 25 minutes of field sobriety sets.

Perfect. He's so pissed. The looked at his colleagues, his colleagues was like this. He makes me do 15 more minutes, which I fly through. Then he makes me blow into his breathalyzer and I blow a 0. 32. I haven't even had a drink yet. I am waking up and I've got all the records on. I am waking up at a 0. 32.

Then I'm drinking my 2. 32 bottles of vodka. Normal people, the vital organs, stop working above a 0. 3. Above a 0. 4, which we're getting to, most not many normal people would be in a coma. It's a medical fact, some of those die. These two cops literally cannot believe it. They're gibberish at room in each other and it's a good thing or a bad thing to the guy that's going on. Then he comes towards me and then he starts to get the handcuffs out.

I'm panicking like, no, no, I need to go to the hospital. I said, what are you doing? He said, turn around, you're going to jail. I said, have you ever detoxed in jail? Oh my Lord. I said, listen, listen. If you take me to jail right now, I will kill somebody. I said, I'm small, but I'm fucking dangerous to me. And I swear to God, I opened up my heart and I told them all the truth. I told them everything I've already just told you.

I told them I'm full of shit. I'm in AA, but I'm not doing AA. You have to let me in the locked-down psychiatric search. They love me in there. They've got a fire on me in everything. Please let me in there. And the magic starts to happen and the miracle starts to take place even though I don't quite even know it yet myself. And they decide, the miracle they decide to do is not to take me to jail. They decide to take me to the local police station, which felt so unsafe to me. I'll be so grateful for that for the rest of my life.

Now I'm handcuffed them in the back of the squad car and we're going to the local police station and we're getting along just fine. They actually radio ahead to tell their colleagues. And I hear him say, hey, we've got this Irishman. And he blew a point for you. I said, I'm English, you moron. They gave me to the police station. They cleaned the print me. They put me in this holding cell. I swear to God, everybody in that police station came down to chitch out. Everybody was fascinated a couple of hours later and really started to dethe the anxiety is creeping in.

And somebody that they know and trust comes and picks me up to take me back to hospital and the lockdown psyche actually one more time. But so what? So what? Fourth time in there, I've literally gotten drunk twice on the way home from there. Here's the difference, and this is crucial, especially if you know. Here's the difference is that this time I have hit bottom. Now then, hitting bottom for me gets misrepresenting the rooms a very a lot. Hitting bottom is not your worst outside circumstance. Hitting bottom is not your worst drunk. Our last drunk is rarely our worst drunk, which is frustrating for a lot of us.

Hitting bottom is not what happens yet. Hitting bottom has become something very precise for me and all you sponsors will understand. Hitting bottom is when you ask somebody for help and follow through with all the directions. That's it. And I was going to prove it. So they take me to the local. So now the lockdown psyche actually, I know it sounds a little bit like, you know, depressing. I love me some lockdown psyche, you know what I mean? Because when you need to be medically detailed, all thoughts are so bright, it goes out the window. I know what you need to do.

They drop me off and security guard takes you up to the fifth floor, clicks you into the first no-man's land corridor. They buzz you in at the end of the phone at the other side. They buzz you through there. And you once again in the lockdown psyche. I don't know what I need to do in here. I need to get as many drugs as is humanly possible, right? I know the drill. And so you go up to the person behind the little window, the medication window, and I go up to that window and I know her and she knows me and I said to her. Hello Mary. Hey, do you mind?

This is your house Christmas. She's a shake in the red. Mary, I'm going to need my usual cocktail. Please, I would like 18 valiums, two paints, a serical, whatever those fucking paintings are. I'll have some of them. And I said, don't have enough rewards points for the fucking penthouse, really. Just gives me my usual shitty room. Now I take all the drugs she's legally allowed to give me all the ones that they call the drugs. I swear to God, not even ten minutes later. Ten minutes later.

Load into the gills I have. Load into the gills ready to start judging people again. You know what I mean? Look at all these losers in here. Oh my God. Three hours ago I was the biggest loser. I stopped your loser. What does it kill me so? Now I'm a lot of the little one. You know what I mean?

She takes me belt off me. She takes me laces off me so I hang myself in his happy place. And what he used to do but then, and I know what I need to do. Now I'm properly in the lockdown cycle. I know exactly what I need to. I know what you lot do. I have to go and find myself a little girlfriend in the lockdown cycle. You're like, yeah, I'm telling you, don't you lie to me. So what you usually do back then is you go in your bedroom and get changed from your clothes into a hospital robe. Make sure it's tied at the back right corner.

And then you, you know, what does everybody hang out? They're all in the day room. The TV room like one foot over a cuckoo's neck. So I'm loaded to the gills walking down the hallway, open the door to the TV room, find it against the door. The wall, you know, someone can look my way. Surveying for my next victim. I'm like, look at all these, like, it's the usual scene. You know, there's a girl over there banging her in against the wall. The guy over there drooling on himself. But then I see her.

Oh my God, she's gorgeous. Oh my God, I see this girl. She has this long black hair. She's just doing laps on her own around the couch. She's got this lovely long black hair, but it's all in front of her face. She's got these unusually long gowns. She's walking on the couch going, oh! I'm on a look at that. Oh my God. I've got to slide it in there and grab it by the hand and do laps together.

It's all madly in love. In the detuction of the alcohol, I give me all the drugs, and in detuction with the drugs, and 13 days later, I'm out once again on a Wednesday afternoon sober. So what? I've hit bottom and I'm going to prove it. It was a Wednesday afternoon and I did not take a drink, which is an absolute miracle. That night, I went to a very, very powerful men's stand call the junkyard dogs. There was 80 men outside this meeting on, serious about sobriety, properly out with the facts about themselves, stumped and being sober. A brotherhood that I was always jealous of. Went straight up to the first one. He was a chit-chum, so I was saying, Mike, Mike.

I just got out today, man. I just got out again today. I'm going to drink tonight, man. You know it. I know it. What do I need to do? It comes right up to you and he said, wow, Darren, wait a minute. Darren, are you sober, right? Yeah. He'd barely send me sober at all years.

Oh my God, I've seen you struggle so much. He said, let's get into action right now, Darren. He said, normally we might do some reading, we might get to page 60, and do the ABCs. He said, screw it. He said, let's get into action. He said, let's do a third set pro right now. I said, wait a minute. I don't pray. I definitely don't pray on my knees. I don't believe in God and I hate religion.

I said, what do you mean, Mike, in front of these 80 men? And he said, yeah. And I said, okay. I said, okay, because the know would have been beaten out of me. Darren wasn't too cool for school anymore. I was about to conform to the process with a third set pro in front of everybody. We went into that meeting and it was an amazing meeting. One guy had a grand mal-alcoholic seizure in the meeting. Have you ever seen somebody else on the end? I've discussed it.

Oh my God. He can't breathe and he sees you know. He's going red and red. There's nothing you can do from seizing up, seizing up. I can't breathe, passes out, falls off the chest. Disgusting. Now, I've had many grand mal-cesia. I've just ever seen one. You've heard of it. The meeting is so serious.

They push him out the door, sign one person to him, call the ambulance, and carry on with the meeting. It was a great meeting. I went home that night from that meeting and I wrote 100 names on my resentment inventory. One hundred. I had to double check with my sponsor. Before I left, I said, wait a minute. Wait a minute. You want me to write down every mole fault that's ever done with me? Give me a pen. 100 names.

I passed out. I came to the next morning, shaking a bake in a row. 100 more names. 100 more names. It wasn't even 6 a. m. and I was going to drink. I always, always, always drink first thing in the morning. I tried anyway, call this guy. He answered the phone.

He answered the phone. He gave me my next column and he saved my life. I can never repay this man. This man was playing in a qualifying round for the US Open. As I called him 12 times that day to finish all three inventories. Every time he might fall, he rang with me. He would stop what he was doing, tell his partner who knew what was going on. He would say, let's all go through and he would give me my instructions. Absolutely amazing. I went to his house the next day to do me fifth step.

Three and a half hours. As he's sending me on for my hour of review, he gave me a big hug and he's getting ulterior. I said, Darren, this is amazing. I said, I'm glad you feel good, mate. I feel like she moved. So don't worry Darren, trust in the process. I went to his house the next day and we did step six and seven. I didn't understand step six and seven. Nobody understands step six and seven. No, where you going?

I had a lot of willingness, I had a lot of humility. I was desperate to move on and so we did. I went to his house the next day and we did my eight step. My eight step was easy. I already had my list. I just have to annoy him but he'll transfer it onto a new list. Then I added to my list on my fifth and sixth and seventh age sobriety. I went out around Santa Barbara and made twenty one amends. Twenty one amends and I was lit up like a Christmas tree. Twenty one amends.

I was rocketed into the fourth dimension. Twenty other amends. My little English hat filled up so much I thought it was going to burst. Everything made sense. Everything made sense. This is why these guys are all stoked and I've got some of them because they've been doing good things. It must give them a full act. That's why they are notingly happy. This is why many people are miserable around here because they ain't doing shit around here. Like I wasn't doing shit around here.

It made sense again. I was like, oh my God, this is my little mum. This is why my mum used to go to church every Sunday morning. Most poor in my life but it must have filled her little heart. God bless her soul. And then they had an epiphany. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. This is what you're all calling God. And I understood because I saw it and I felt it and I believed it.

I felt so good. I got up the next day and I went to a food lamb liquor store around the corner for my house and asked to speak to the manager. I said, sir, I lived just around the corner and I've been a really bad drunk for a very long time and a half a telly had been stealing vodka from your store for well over a year. I said, I'll never steal from you or anyone else ever again. I'm living my life a different way. I said, I've added it all up, sir. And it comes to $2,750. I said, in fact, it's Friday. I just got paid. I started work for the first time of years.

Two days ago, they had $25. I said, sir, there's $25. I'll be back every Friday with $25 until I've paid that whole amount off and any interest you determine. I said, is there anything else I can do to make this right? And he just looked to me and he said, wow. I had a little back at him and I said, wow. And I floated off to make some more financial events. I couldn't believe how good it felt to give you your money back. I said to be sponsor, what's next? He said, oh my God, Darren, this is amazing.

He said, steps 10 and 11. I said, 10 and 11. What's that? He said, yeah, I'll show you step 10, what to do right here, right now to postpone the punishment of alcoholism. And then I'll show you what to do. And then I'll show you what to do. I'll set the sandwich today. I'll show you what to do in the morning. I want to do it now. Two minutes of meditation because you're already praying your little English out, sir.

I'll show you. I can't meditate. I'll show you a little routine. Two minutes of meditation and two minutes of your day and night. Like two minutes, he could see the wheels turning. He already knew I was a recovered alcoholic. Even if I didn't. And he looked at me and said, yeah, Darren, if you do these things and what I show you next, you can stay sober one day at a time for the rest of your life. And I said, what? I said, I am in, dude.

I am in. I am sold on the plan. And it's fucking you kidding me. Two or three years have been suicily depressed. And then a week or less later, I have a full heart of gratitude and love and I don't know what to do myself. It was such a shit that said, I am in. Now, I'm just glad he gave me the full strength solution. I'm glad he gave me what I now call the guaranteed version of sobriety. Garam fucking tea. It's not like I enjoy meditation.

Just like many years, but I can't leave any step out. I'm the worst drunk I've ever met. You can't leave a fifth step out because you have ADHD, can you? No. You can't leave out a nice set because you don't have the time to do it, can you? No. So don't it became okay to miss out on the meditation? Here's how bad I am of meditation, by the way. But I do it because I can't skip it. It's taken me 22 years to go from 2 minutes meditation to 10 minutes meditation.

22 years! But God loves him a little trial. God loves him a little bloody trial in Italian. My God is cool, man. My God has got a right potty mouth on him as well. They said, me, this is it. Don't you get that in me. My God is so cool. He's up there making fun of me, laughing at me down there in the mornings, doing my shitty pro meditation. He's laughing his answer.

He says, look at that little wanker down there. Look at that little English wanker down there doing a shitty pro meditation. But then he sees me trying and he gets a crazy, he says, you know what? He gave that little wanker another day of sobriety. He doesn't care if I put him out of man for a minute, sir. He cares about my actions and he cares about my helping others, which I do relentlessly, relentlessly. Steps 10 and 11 go like their keys to their kingdom. Steps 10 and 11 are so simple, you won't do it. Is that the truth? What is wrong with you?

I mean, you're spun sees, right? What is wrong with you? Why won't we do it? This is for fun and for free. Only an alcoholic will burn his life to the ground to then come running to a 12-step program just to resist the 12-step. But I am, er, dude, I am so old and I am sick. I am sick, man. I'm not sick as Arthur. But I am sick and I have to work a hell of a program just to feel normal. Just to feel normal.

You have to feed your own soul around here, right? In fact, I sponsor so many men in Santa Barbara. I do so much AA. I should be the Dally Bloody Lambra or something. But no, I go to a lot of meetings. I do H&I, I help others. I pick up the phone and do machine repair. I do all of it just to be another boss on the bus. And I don't mind working for my sobriety. Some of these speakers next, they're much longer sobriety than me.

I've got 22 years. Briars, boy, why am I still doing this if I'm 22 years away from a drink? Because I'm still alcoholic. And I'm a chronic alcoholic. It doesn't mean I drank more than you. It means I think about myself a lot. The negative narrative, which is alcoholism, wants to come in here a lot. So I have to remedy, quit with some real AA in the morning. I have to flip the script and turn some things around. Alcoholism is a highly chronic, fatal, progressive illness, sometimes accompanied by alcohol.

So I need to get the day before the day gets made. And why do we do this? Because I want to get that full heart feeling. Why do we do this? Because we've entered the world of the spirit. And I'll talk about the world of the spirit for this very short story that I'm going to close with here. We've entered the world of the spirit and you've let the good meet and you're feeling great. I'm a feeling for feeling good. And I want to feel good a lot. So you can get that through sponsorship, through H&I and all these fun things and finding your home group and stuff like that.

But I speak around and I had ten years ago I spoke at an ACIPOC convention. You've never been to a WIPOR event. You have to go because they are annoying as fun as can be. All of them to what? Right? Three thousand of these young maniacs have taken over this Hilton complex in San Jose and the Bay Area. Right? Many of them were hospitalized because they overdosed on Ripple. Right? Yeah.

Yeah. But don't worry they put them on a monster drip and they were just fine. Yeah. And I'm the closeout speaker so many of these little wankers didn't even show up for the Sunday morning meeting. They're all ball night, they're in vines and shagging everything. You know what I mean? So Sunday morning there's like five or six hundred people in the crowd. We're on a stage like this. The girl next to me she's going to give a talk. We're dressed nicely.

There's only a few minutes to go. Everybody's paying attention. They're all looking at us. They're out in the corner of me. I see her doing something. I'm like I'll look over. And this girl is going to talk for me. She's texting. I'm like no one else. She's texting on a phone.

She's texting on a phone and I think it's super rude. I think it's super rude but it's got absolutely nothing to do with me. So I get involved right on it. What are you doing? What's going on? Now she's having a real problem with a sponsor. We've never met. She's from LA. We're in the Bay Area. I came from Santa Barbara.

Her sponsor got sober 21 years previously in LA. Her and a good friend of her, this male guy called Matt, they decided to get sober together. They're in a coed treatment facility and a sobriety house. Many, many people are in the. . . Those two stay sober 30 days. Many people relapse. The usual story. These two stay sober for 60 days.

Two people died. Some went to prison. Most everybody relapses right? Same usual story. They're now 90 days sober. Old time is right. They have a signing box and shit to give out. Most everybody's just gone 90 days sober. He reconnects with his wife and because he's doing so well, they follow up through with their plan and moved to Maui, Hawaii. He plugged right into AA.

They have a family. They have two boys who are now 19 and 20, but they're going to college on mainland America, dying of untreated alcoholism. Absolutely a death door. He's beside himself and he finally realizes, what if I call that girl I got sober with? So he texts her. She texts a couple of her sponsors and one of them's next to me. She said, well, I need a male number. I said, well, it's my fault. We gave out our talks. Everything goes great.

The conference is over. And I'm getting in my car to drive back down the one-on-one home. And I'm getting in my car when you speak out of town, sometimes you take your tough guys with you. You know what I mean? You've got to take your tough. You're hard-sponty. You're the sleeve duck guy. Well, you never know what might happen. You might run into some of them anyway, because you know what I mean? So we all get in the car.

We're driving down. And I remember I call this guy and he's on speaker phone. He answers the phone. I say that my name's Darren. I'm coming off at my conference. I was asked to give you a call. There's just nothing on the other end of the line. Nothing. And we're waiting. And then we hear what's going on.

And this man is sobbing. He's sobbing. He's sobbing and he can't catch his breath. And he's such a moment of humility, because we're all in the stand. And I want to cry. I want to cry, but I can't cry because I'm with these good guys, right? And then I go over here and I'm like, wait a minute. Are you fucking crying? He's got tattoos on his neck. And then I look in the rear view mirror, and the guys in the back, I'm like, no.

No way. He's still crying in the back. I said, you've got tattoos on your face, but God's sick. We're all crying now, and then the man gathers himself, and he says, Darren, he's very emotional. Darren, I've been in AA of show for a long time and I've never asked anything of anybody. But my prayer has always been, if my two boys did the hand of AA, please let it be either. I said, I'm in. I'm in. I'm all in and all many people in many states. What's going on?

What school do they go to? He said, they both attend Santa Barbara City College. And I said, I work at Santa Barbara City College. We have entered the world of the spirit, and I go back to Santa Barbara and meet both these two fine young men. One of them becomes a proud member of the Junkyard Dogs. He's now 10 years sober, killing it in Los Angeles, and his brother dying of untreated alcoholism. And doesn't that just sum us up? The year and the year and the year of our costs are numbers. If you haven't done the 12 steps, this is the whole point. If you're not at the top of your game, I urge you to go do the 12 steps.

If you plateaued since then, I asked you to try and give this thing away. I didn't say you need a bunch of sponsors. You need to try to attend, to pass this thing on, and it will be a game changer. You need these little soap operas going on in your life. There's a tragedy over here. There's a pregnancy over here. Parole and lubing over here. It kind of takes the focus off you. Now thank you all for being so wonderful. Now I'll leave you with this.

If you strung them in the gut thing, whether you're new or not, I'll leave you with this. Religion might be for those people that are trying to avoid going to hell. But spirituality is for people that have been to hell. Thank you all very much. Thank you.