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Hello, my well. How do you follow up with that? Talk about humility. Wow. Welcome. Welcome to everybody. My name is Michael Saint-Germain and I am a blessed, recovered alcoholic. And it's really wonderful to be here tonight and see all my friends, my blessed wife. And just a moment just to kind of grasp the essence of this because it's so powerful. Tonight for the next 35 minutes, I get to talk about my favorite topic of all, me.

Bill talks about selfishness and self-centeredness as being the root of all of our troubles. So I tend to agree with them on that way. I'm not much but hell, I'm all I think about. It's kind of interesting because if you're asked 10 different people what alcoholism is, you'd probably get 10 different answers. And one of the beautiful things that I found in the rooms of alcoholics anonymous is that we have the opportunity to have other share with us their experience. And I always taught early in recovery to look for the similarities opposed to the differences. And thank God I was given that advice because the outstanding characteristic of most alcoholics, me, is defiance. And it's been that way since I was a little kid. Now being a child of an alcoholic, the defiance was very much a part of my character. The one thing I never wanted to be in my life was my father.

The one person that I disliked more than my life than anybody was my father. The one that I loved more than anything in my life was my father. And it's kind of interesting because this is a family disease. And Bill talks about it in a 12 and 12, talks about it in the Big Book in reference to becoming neurotic the children and the wives. They are affected by this. So this disease which is dis-ease, we have a dis-ease has three really important components. The first component is the physical aspect of this dis-ease. So you have a problem drinker, you have a heavy drinker, and then you have a real alcoholic. And Bill talks about that in the first 25 pages. And it's important for me to be able to identify with this because I utilize my father's, my barometer of alcoholism.

So therefore, I hadn't had the DTEs, therefore I hadn't started the shakes, therefore I was non-alcoholic. It progressively takes place with each and every one of us differently. And I came to understand that as time went on. The power of this has to do with the mental aspect as well because it's a disease of perception. See the way I look at things. And that really became distorted throughout the process of my youth. In my youth, first of all, I was raised in New England. My mom was all Irish, dad was pure French, and I'm a Roman Catholic, and I was screwed from the beginning. The first time I drank, I blacked out at 12 years old. Now that's not normal.

I didn't know that. I didn't know what a blackout was. But the first time I drank, I blacked out. Now I can remember as a child having to get away from what was around me. And the way that I did that was through lying. So I first altered my reality by lying. That's how I altered my reality. And this powerful thing is we come into the rooms because we start hearing people talking about their truth, and slowly but surely we start becoming a little bit more comfortable with ourselves. A little bit while I couldn't. I couldn't believe some of the things I was hearing when I first came into the rooms.

My sobriety date is May 9th of the year 2000. I have a tattoo of anyone here to see it afterwards. And I came in in 95. And I had a real struggle for five years, a real struggle. I have a lot of compassion for those that have that experience. Bill talks about in the first step in the 12 and 12 that hitting bottom is absolutely important. And I've come to understand after being blessed, sponsoring well over 100 guys, that who am I to deprive you of your bottom? And I'll never forget my mother one day saying to me, she said, son, you're just like your father. If you're going to get sober, you're going to die of alcoholism. The progressive aspect of it once again progresses differently with each and every one of us.

The third part of our disease is that it's a spiritual disease. That to me is very elusive because I didn't understand that I was drinking for a spiritual experience. That's why I drank. They call it spirits. Why? Because it makes you feel warm and fuzzy. Right? I want to feel warmer and fuzzy. I didn't understand that. You see, I was convinced that alcohol was my problem.

I didn't realize that it wasn't. I didn't realize the malady of our disease of being irritable, restless, and discontent. If this is not addressed, I will drink again. And so I had to take a look at the whole picture of what was being presented to me through the process of the steps. And I had to come to trust in one man. And it wasn't that I didn't trust in God because I did. Let me back up. It wasn't that I didn't believe in God because I did. I did not trust in God. And so this trust had to come with another man.

It had to come with another human being who I could observe and I could watch. See, I don't really learn by what you say to me because being a child in an alcoholic, I don't believe you. I learn by what you do. So the observation of this man through the course of time slowly but surely started to give me that feeling that this is possible, that I could actually have an experience like this man. And in step two, it was very simple because he said to me, Michael, there's only a few things that you need to know. And he asked me, do you believe I'm an alcoholic? I asked, well, yeah. And he goes, do you believe I haven't had a drink in 22 years? And I said, yeah. And he goes, do you believe that I believe in God?

And I said, yeah. And he said, Michael, that's all you need to believe in for now. So the simplistic is really important for me when I'm working with others. So at six years old, I discovered gasoline. That's how I first altered my reality. And so mom and dad were arguing and I was fear of irritable and restless and discontent. I found myself in a garage. I found myself drawn to this can and I found myself sniffing it. Amazing. I mean, what would make a six year old child so irritable, restless and discontent that he would or she would do something of that nature?

So alcohol isn't to me was rooted at the core of my being. My first first day in kindergarten, I'm quite certain I could have used a 40 answer. I mean, I'm quite certain of it because that was my nature. Irritable, restless and discontent. I didn't understand the components of the process that was about to take place. So as this disease progressed, first it was fun. Obviously, we know that. And then along came trouble. We know that. And then along came a little more trouble.

And so I was raised in New England, moved to California in 1974. And I was in eighth grade. And in 1974, I at that time, I had been to seven different schools. So then I moved to Carmel in 75 and I finally ended up at Carmel High School in 1975. And by that time, I had been in nine different schools. So there was a lot of moving around because of dad's alcoholism. There's a lot of dysfunction that was taking place. This process for me was very heartbreaking because for me, it was like, I need to get away from this. I knew it as a child that I had to get away from this. So I had a chance to look into a year book and I've shared this before.

I mean, he's got I find it to be very important. 1975 yearbook at Carmel High. And I was just going through some of the things that were being written about me. And I just find him to be very interesting. One of the things I was written was, you sure were funny puking all over the dance floor. We're going to have to do this again sometime. P. S. Please don't tell your mother. And then I hear another one says, you're a super nice guy.

I had a lot of fun at the dance, but it's too bad that you don't remember it because you were so drunk. You do have a bad memory. And then the other one says, you're a pretty good person when you weren't stealing my pencils in math class. We had a lot of fun. You're a very funny guy. Have yourself a wonderful summer and please try not to get to your job. You know, I'm 14 years old. So you get a kind of an idea where this is going, right? Kind of as it always brings that emotion to me. And that emotion to me is gratitude now.

See, the emotion was at one time self-pity. Self-pity gratitude are really close emotions, kind of like a funeral in the wedding, a lot crying going on. But they're very close, you see. And it wasn't until I started to take a look at this that I started to become more comfortable with my feelings. There was that time that was early in my life at about six. I was in school. First grade, I think it was. And one of my dear friends at that time said, it was around the hall, they said, you know, there's no such thing as Santa Claus, right? And I was like, what? No, there's no such thing as Santa Claus.

And, you know, for a six-year-old boy, or girl, for that matter, to have something like that put upon you for me was very, very emotional. You see, I'm an egomaniac and I'm very, very sensitive, right? And so I was very much affected by this. And so what happened was I was like, oh, so these people have been lying to me the whole time, right? And that hurt me. That hurt me a lot as a little child. I was very sensitive. And it hurt me immensely. And I started to think to myself, oh, shit, if they're lying to me about Santa Claus and the tooth fairy and the Easter Bunny, then maybe they're lying to me about God. And that was a shift that took place.

And I remember vividly, I was very young, but I remember that. I remember that I took the shift from my heart with unquestionable belief to my head and I started doubting. And I started doubting. And I know that that was a real key turning point in my development as a young child. So as the continuation of the process started to unfold, I started to come to the realization that this line was protecting me. And, you know, with hindsight, I needed it because what was going on was very dramatic. And I needed to lie. I needed to comfort myself, to move myself elsewhere. But as the process continued, as we all know, that lies became lies became lies became lies. Before you know it, I couldn't distinguish what was truth and what wasn't.

You know, we talk about denial, you know, and I'm one who absolutely believes that. You know, denial is when you ask me, hey, did you steal my wallet? And I say, no, no, I have no, I didn't steal your wallet. And then we talk about delusional. Okay. And then delusional is, hey, did you steal my wallet? I said, no, I didn't steal your wallet, but let me help you look for it. And so this was starting to take place within me. And the essence of this was very effective on me. It was effective to me in my sleep state, especially.

I was very uncomfortable. The progression aspect at that time started to kick in farther and farther. I was a very good athlete. I had great opportunities out of high school to go elsewhere to play sports. And my great idea was I'm going to go to in the mountains and I'm going to grow pot instead. And I did, you know, and I was somewhat successful. And before you know it, I woke up. I was 25, right? That's kind of what happens. Life goes by quick.

And this whole process is kind of like Lake Erie, you know, how it kind of swirls and is moving around and it's coming and then all of a sudden, boom, Niagara Falls. And that was my experience as well. So the progression aspect started taking place, as you noted, as I mentioned at a young age of high school and increasingly started getting more and more. I started drinking more and more. And the obtaining of alcohol was basically on the weekends. And at that point in time, I was drinking more and the realization that I was being affected by this, particularly physically at that stage, was very concerning to me. The thing about alcoholism is that when you put alcohol in me, everything sounds like a really good idea. I don't know about you guys, but something happens to me. Something happens, sounds like a good idea. I think I'll do that.

Amazing. I have no filtering system. The effect that it has on my brain is very powerful. I love alcoholics anonymous. Now, when I was a child, my father was in AA and there ain't no damn way I'm ever going to AA. Because as a child, I watched. Once again, I learned by watching. Dad died of alcoholism at 48 years old, alone by himself in the children in the woods in New England. And I watched that man die for 25 years. You see, alcoholics first takes your spirit, which is your inspiration, your motivation.

It takes your spirit. And then it slowly takes your soul, the ability to distinguish what is right and what is wrong. And then the bastard comes in for the kill. So the observing of this and watching of this did not deter me from it. With hindsight, I can now clearly see that I had to do everything I had to do to get to where I had to go. That there was absolute no shortcut that could have taken place. I've heard people in the meeting say, I wish I got sober early. I'm thinking to me, I'm tired. I couldn't. That wasn't my experience.

So getting into the trouble aspect was very much a part of it. So now here I met roughly 25 and I'm looking, what am I going to do? Growing pot wasn't working anymore. And so I went into the golf business and I've enjoyed the outdoors. I'm an athlete, so I enjoy sports. And I started caddying and I started working in the golf field. Now, if you're going to be a drinker, there's no better caddying. There's no better line of work to be in a caddy. And golfers, there's one of my dear friends right there. I mean, they almost promote alcohol for the most part, you know, golfers and alcohol go hand in hand.

And so at that particular time, I was very good at what it was that I was doing. And I started getting a little trouble drinking. And so I was called one time into the vice president of the company and he sat me down and he said, you know, I understand you have a drinking problem. And then I said, yeah. And he says, well, we've had to suspend you a few times. And he goes, you need to tell me how much do you drink? Okay. Well, I get to work at about seven every morning at 6. 05. I go to the Shell Station.

If the doors and open, the guy throws me the key. I grab a 12 pack. It's about a 12, I don't know, 15 minute drive to work. I usually have four to six by the time I get there. I try to take two for the front nine, two for the back nine. And hopefully when I'm done, I have two. And you look at me and he goes, my God, he goes, you're done work basically every day at one o'clock. He took a 12 pack before one. And you know, all I can say is, yeah, don't you. And you know, so the whole thing became normal.

You know, I know there's so much humor and laughter in here and I love it. I love it. But as we dig deep down into it, there's so much sadness. There's so much sorrow. I remember I did my first eulogy for one of my sponsors. I was three years sober. I did the eulogy. Beautiful man. I met him. I ended up homeless.

I ended up hand-held for change. I ended up living on the wharf. I ended up getting fed by the San Carlos Church. And that's where I ended up. That's where my alcohols and brought me. And my father told me early. He says, you can always tell you an alcoholic son because it keeps getting worse. And I didn't know what the hell he meant. And it had to experience what that meant. It keeps getting worse.

So I'm doing the eulogy for Charlie. And at the end of the eulogy, his little beautiful little six-year-old girl comes up to me and she hugs me and she looks at me. And she says, why didn't my daddy die? Wow. And I said, I don't know. But I do know this. He's okay. I do know this. So a lot of the way that I look at alcohols in me is through the eyes of a child because I was that. And there's so much innocence and there's so much impact that we have on other people.

It's amazing. It's absolutely amazing. And I was flashing back. So that was what? 23 years ago. And that girl was sick. So she's 29. 30. Just was wondering as to how her life perhaps had gone. You know, hopefully it's going well.

So the whole thing that starts taking place is that this had to become my number one priority period. So basically I had my priorities all mixed up completely. I had always had the cart in front of the horse. I'd always figure if you gave me a nice car, a big chunk of change, and a good looking girl, I'd be really spiritual. I didn't realize that spirituality had to come first. I didn't understand the importance of that. The steps is the program of alcoholics and on this. That is my take on it. In how it works, Bill doesn't say these are the meetings that we go to, which are suggested as a program of recovery. That's not what Bill says.

Bill says these are the steps that we took, which are suggested as a program of recovery. That's important for me because when I was doing step work with my sponsor, we had three books. We had the big book. We had 12 and 12. We had a book called the dictionary. And it was important for me to understand what words meant because I would make words mean what I wanted them to mean. Once again, delusional. As we took a look at that step one, it was a pretty easy thing for me to digest, except for the second part of it. I knew I was alcoholic, but I was not willing to admit that my life was unmanageable. And then one day I'm walking on the beach, I'm homeless, and I'm walking up to the, there's a little kayak place down there, and there's two of the people I used to hang out with and drink, and they saw me coming, and they picked up their bags of booze, and they walked to start walking away.

And I was like, oh shit. I'm in trouble here. I'm sitting in the meeting one time, and I listened to this lady. She's probably my age 65. She was really old then, according to my observation. She said, you know, I would drink as much as I could, and then I would spend the rest of my time acting as sober as possible. I was like, shit, that's what I do. So I started to have this little connection, little drip, drip, drip, and it was all of you that helped me to do this. It was all of you that I started to listen to. You see, I would hear, but I would never listen.

I would hear what you said. My wife will verify that, by the way, but I would never listen. So the second step, once again, my sponsor said, you believe I'm all called? Yes, you believe I had a drink? Yeah, you believe I believe in God? Yes, that's it then. It wasn't rocket science. So we moved right into three, right? Now three to me was a really powerful step because I didn't understand the essence of what a decision was. And he looked at me and he said, Michael, you have three birds sitting on a wire and two make a decision to fly away.

How many birds do you have, Michael? Well, you have one. No, no, no. Let me ask you this again. Okay. And he did. No, no, you have three. Two made a decision and did nothing about it. You see, the third step is about that action aspect. You see, I don't always know what God's will is, but I sure as hell know what it's not.

Okay. So a lot of my learning came from the opposite end. I learned things from the opposite end. And fortunately, I had a sponsor that could articulate that to me and take me through this process and have me see it clearly. And he said, Michael, your decision is to take the remaining nine steps. That is your decision. Okay. I can do that. So we went right into four and going into four, I discovered something that was so profound that it altered my life. What I found that was so profound is I could say a lie.

I could think a lie. I could feel a lie, but I could not write a lie. Now, I could write it, but I knew it was a lie. The four step was powerful for me. Because what happened in the four step is it gave me the ability to get from my outside and to look in where everything was built based on self centeredness and selfishness. I was always looking from everything from the inside out. And I really related to the story of the Christmas story, okay, with a Scrooge. And it's so profound because that story really is a metaphor for this step and five for that matter. Here I am and I'm being visited by the coast of the past, right, in step four, writing down names, taking a fearless moral inventory of myself, not you, not you, me, right. And I started to take a look at myself, and it was written on paper, so I could not deny it.

So the Scrooge is being confronted with the ghost of the past, and then he's being confronted with the ghost of the future. And I'm looking at this going, how the hell did I get there? How did I get here? What do I do? And my sponsors said, Michael, I can never ever tell you what to do, but I could show you what it is that we do. And what we do here is we switch around our priorities. Your number one priority is to stay sober, Michael, period. In my experience, that is not possible without a relationship with the power greater than yourself, period. And so slowly I started following him. So as I took a look at that fourth step, and I went into that fifth step, I started to converse with this man and trusting this man, and I told him things I've never told any human in my life.

That fourth and fifth step are so important, and as a sponsor, when I can get guys through that fifth step, there's like, oh, we got a chance here. Okay, we got a chance. Okay, and if you're not able to converse with me, please find somebody you can, whether it be a clergyman or whether it be anybody, please, you got to get this out. Because I wasn't drinking to have fun. Okay, the fun was gone. I was drinking to avoid pain. What was that pain? Well, the pain was the guilt, shame, remorse, and resentment. That was the pain. That's the essence of the malady.

Wow, amazing. So as we went through this process, we're sitting down there and point Lobos, and he said, Michael, look behind you. What do you see? Now look behind me. I see a rock. I see a fire. I see a cipher street. He goes ask me what I see. What do you see? He says, I see my son who jumped out of an airplane sober at 15 years and didn't make it.

Parachute didn't open. I see my blessed wife who died of alcoholism before. Their ashes are right here. You know, and I started talking about love, right? My sponsor, first time I called him, he said, there's two things I want you to know, Michael, right from the beginning. First of all, is I will never ever, ever tell you what to do. And I've never, ever told any sponsor you what to do. I hold that very dear to my heart. I really do. And the second thing he said to me, Michael, I will never, ever leave you.

Wow. So I started talking about this perception of what love is. And he looked at me and he said, maybe perhaps you don't know what love is. And at that time, I'm 38 years old. And you know what? That was powerful for me. That was really powerful for me because it gave me the opportunity of realizing that stopping drinking was never my dilemma. Every time I passed out, I stopped drinking. Every time I went to jail after five DUIs, I stopped drinking. Every time I went to sleep, I stopped drinking.

My dilemma was, how the hell do I not start drinking? Wow. How do I not start drinking? Once again, the malady, the malady has to be addressed. That irritable rust was in discontent has to be addressed. So we went in, took a look at that, and we went right into six, and I started to realize something. I didn't like it, but I realized I couldn't fix myself. God, I was pissed. I can't fix myself? No.

You can't. Oh, what do I do? You said, Michael, step six is a lot like step one. You're powerless. But the good news is, step two and step seven are a lot of like because there's the power. The power is God. Oh, shit. Have you ever tried asking? No. I said, I was in A for eight years, pardon me, five years.

I came in in 95. It's now 2000. I said, I kept going in and out, in and out, in and out, in and out. He started laughing at me. What the hell you laughing about? He goes, Michael, you can never go out because you've never been in. Now, mind your meetings got me sober, but meetings never ever kept me sober. So I had a couple experiences with six months, and I just want you to know that I'm crazier sober than I am drunk. I am, and the only times I've ever thought about killing myself, I was sober. And I'm six months.

I'm homeless, and I'm going to go down to Big Speed Bridge and take the leap. This is it, man. I'm done. Six months without a drink. So I ran out to suicide note. I'm driving this truck that's being repothed that I stole the sticker off somebody else's car and put it in mine on my license plate. Didn't have a license, didn't have registration, and I'm off the big shirt. So I drive down Highway 1. I'm off the, this is it. So I come to the last intersection, which is real road in the corner of my eye.

There's a chevron station. And I was like, this voice said, well, since you're going to kill yourself, Michael, you might as well get drunk. All right. So I pulled in, I had 20 bucks on me, and I went in about a 12 pack. Well, being the good Roman Catholic I am, I drove up to the mission, which is right up the road. Drove right up the caramel mission, parked right in front, and I started pounding these beers. Six months. Okay. I used to brag when I had five days, literally. I used to brag.

I haven't had drinking five days. I mean, that, that to me was absolutely amazing. Okay. Here I was six months. Well, something happened to me. I don't know where it was somewhere between eight and 10. I don't know, but I wanted to live again. Alcohol saved my life. Literally saved my life. That was the point where I realized that alcohol wasn't my problem.

That's when I realized that alcohol was a solution to my problem. And I was willing to pay the piper for anything to get rid of the feeling of being irritable, restless, and discontent. Now, I wasn't going to sniff gas because I was getting headaches. But the bottom line of it was the realization at that point shifted me big time. So now we go into that age step and I have to make a list of all these people. And I'm going, oh my God, what do we start? And I started from the beginning. Very simple. The process is simple. This isn't rocket science.

It's very simple. And I started with the names. And I started new increase. Now, when I was homeless, my sponsor gave me a bag of coins because back then you didn't have cell phones. He goes, I want you to call me every day at this time. I would like you. Once again, never told me what to do. I would like you to. I learned how to manage money by coins because money represented nothing to me except for getting in staying loaded. Now, getting loaded took a big part of my life, but staying loaded took my whole life.

Took my whole life. So as I go and I start taking a look at it, he brings me to different areas, you know, like stealing, like cheating, like lying. And then he took me geographically through my childhood to my teenage. And then I started coming up with all these names. And I got to about 150 and he goes, that's wonderful, Michael. Let's take a look at this. I was like, oh my God. And then I came up to 200. And I was like, holy shit. And then I came up to 223.

And you know, he looked at me. I'll never forget this. He said, Michael, you might want to write down every single person you have ever met. And I'm like, what are you talking about? Because you've never been authentic. You've never been you. You've never been real. You've never let any other human being in. You've built these walls throughout the course of your life that are so high that nobody can come in, including God. Including God.

So we go into nine. I was like, how the hell am I ever going to make a mens? It's a process. It's a long process. I'm $37,000 and dead. How the hell am I going to get out of that? When you pay $200 a month? Shit, that's going to take me 10 years. It's exactly what it took me, 10 years. Because it was agreed to at the very beginning that we would go to any lengths for victory over alcohol.

Wow. So that night step, the promises, when I came in in 95, I saw them on the board and I was like, alcohol gave me every single one of those. Every single one of those. And then alcohol took every single one of them away. And that's what I wanted. I wanted that piece. Halfway through, it tells us very clearly. And I believe that. Why? Because I've experienced that.

I have a freedom today in which I've never had before. And so we take a look right now and go into step 10 and we continue to take the thrill. We continue to take a thorough inventory of ourselves and take a look at it. And when we were wrong, properly admitted, well, that's tough for me still to this day. Still did this day. It's very challenging for me. But I know one thing. If I become irritable, restless and discontent long enough, I'm going to get drunk. You see, I don't get drunk and then I go insane. I go insane and then I get drunk.

And so the spiritual aspect is so important for me to realize because unless I share it with another human being, I have no ability to see what it is. And so we take a look at 11 and we start to increase that conscious contact with God. And I start to look at that. And I start to pray. Every single morning of my life, I pray. Every single morning of my life, I pray. Every single night of my life, I pray. And you know what? I don't pray for anything. Other than help me do, I will not mind.

In fact, St. Francis's prayer with C. C. is my favorite. So this whole concept of the 12th step, he said, is not optional, Michael. This is not an optional step. Not to suggest any of them are. Carry this message to the alcohol crystal suffers. You have an opportunity to do for them what no one else can do. So I had the ability now to turn my karma, change it through the essence of my Dharma.

My Dharma is my life. Why am I here? What is my purpose? My purpose is to help another human being. They don't have to be alcoholic, but to help another human being, to the best of my ability. So I'm going to close up here because I was looking at the clock in the corner of my eyes. She's been gracious enough to give me 15 more minutes. You know, I don't have a lot of goals per se in my life. I have three. In one of them, I've been blessed to have already achieved.

My first goal is when they pat the mud on my face. It's because I died sober. Now that goal takes care of any and every other little goal that life may bring. All of the goals. My second goal is to try to become a little better man today than I was yesterday. That's challenging, but that's what a goal is. The goal is challenging. Get yourself up. Raise yourself up. You know, I've watched so many men recover.

All I can think of is the phoenix rising out of the ashes. I've seen guys that are homeless, that are successful in life. I know a guy here that is a lawyer. Everyone to college talk about success. I've seen so much success. And so my third goal in which I have achieved is to become the man that my father always wanted to be. And I am that today. In fact, I'm wearing his ring that he passed away in. And so I want to thank everyone here. I don't know where it was that I went.

All I know is that hopefully I talk about the program. The program to me is God. If you don't have a relationship with God, you can only work five and two-thirds steps. Take a look at it. Only five and two-thirds. That's a different program. It works for some people, but it almost killed me. Because this old-timer said, all you need to do is don't drink and go to meetings. Well, if you're a real alcoholic and that's your plan, look out. Because if there's a light coming down the tunnel, I'm here to tell you it's an effing train.

So once again, thank you all. Bless you and have a wonderful night.