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Everybody, my name is Roger. Hi Roger. If you look okay. That's all that counts. Before I get any further, I was speaking one time at a convention, I was having breakfast with my sponsor. I said, I'm nervous. He said, you're nervous because you're going to tell the truth. I'm going to tell the truth. I'm nervous. So I'm going to stand aside and I want 100 powers to stand here.

I'd like to have my mother run with sounds if you could. Okay? Okay, thanks. And like the question is, I have no's because I could go on and on. I have a sponsor. I talked to him today. As a matter of fact, I talked to his wife, who might call my sponsor, and he told me to tell you guys that when he sends me, he's big D. U. he sends his best. Nobody talks about me like that.

He has a sponsor. I know he really well. I sponsor one of his kids. In fact, I sponsor one of my sponsors kids. And he has a sponsor, a grand sponsor, an exponcer, but you guys are a big chain. My home group for many years was the 7 o'clock Let's Rock, Mantellin on meeting in luck in California. It was over 100 guys, way over 100 guys every Thursday night for years and years and years. We're about to have our 35th anniversary. And it kind of got up. And it was the only man's meeting in the world that I dated several.

Not because we were trying to be clever or cute because these guys couldn't. It wasn't safe for them to leave the kids home with mom. And but since COVID and we're moving away, my home group now is on Zoom and it's been every day since COVID started. I've got to a meeting almost every day. I listened to her on the way down here this morning. And what brought me to Alainon 25 years ago was my wife's meeting. Four years before that she had melted down in our dollar 17th birthday with the water, ski crowd, a lot of drinking. Not a big party or anything like that. And I didn't really notice it was just part of the party. But by the time everybody was standing around the kitchen table and she was playing with her food.

And when everybody left she said I have a problem. And she went on detox and and rehab. And my my thing was fixer when you're home. Obviously she needs the problem. I'm fine. I had to run up all my soon-out. I was so loved. The last speaker so much. I had to run up there for my soon-out. I drove to the rehab when my wife was in a course.

It's just like when this is in the circle. So my deep thinking is if you have a Porsche you don't have problems. LAUGHTER It was serious then. And I went to family honey and they told me I had a problem. She's in rehab. I work. I work 60 hours a week. We had a really nice house. On 14 acres in LA with a stream running on it. Beautiful house.

Lots of toys. We looked great on the outside. I have two kids. And she's and I took her hair color one day in a box. They pulled the hair color out and said she can't have this. I said no she said she'll drink it. And I thought. And they weren't kidding. I thought I made it over my head. Who would do that?

And I went to the next week. I took the kids to try to take the kids down there. This was driving all the way through LA. And we were we would have been out of our life. So we just turned around the sights. We didn't have a problem. She was obviously the problem. She got out. She did pretty good. She didn't go out.

And she was a little star. And I thought that part of her program was hearing how she screwed our family up. On a regular basis I'd stuck with a reminder of something she did that was terrible. And one day she turned and walked away as I was telling her all this. And said I'm not letting you affect my serenity. And she walked away. And I almost burst into flames. It was so pissed off. Because she liked herself enough to not get in sight with me. I did not know how to do that.

And at that moment I didn't know it. But something ain't made me want what she had. And also this is a slide. I have my own business. I did everything running. You know, college and grad school and got out of my own business. And so I'm working 60 hours a week to pay for all this stuff. And she's in charge of the money. How do we do it with the extra house payment? Make it a lot to those.

How about the credit cards? All zero. Great. And the savings account could be better. Who's the crazy one? When you're asking an alcoholic question and believing the answers. About a year later. Oh, and one more thing. At that time, at the recess then, I learned kind of where my head was at the time. I thought if I had just enough money I wouldn't need God.

Not true. Anyway, none of that was true. And she wound up leaving me at a stack of notes where we need notes like dogs or fed and that kind of stuff. About this thing was how I'm dead. And I was a victim. She did this. To me, I was fine. I don't have a problem. The exact same time this was happening when my dad was melting down. He was raised.

Where's the sound man? He was raised in a really gnarly alcoholic home. My grandfather was a mean alcoholic, uninvited to different homes. I don't know how to stop this. I'll just put that a little. Can you hear me okay? My grandfather was the meanest man in the world. Like David DeSully C. where I was born. And I remember riding around the car with him.

This is before every condition. The window's down and he called people. S. O. P. he's a Jack Marmans and it was really fun. He just loved serving up. But he raised my dad and my dad raised me. And my dad and I had been estranged. He was tough.

He beat me when I was a kid. I was really mad at him. And I finally had nothing to do with him. And he was melting down. The exact same kind of wife moved in with her brother. And she's living with her brother. I'm out of money. I'm busy at work. I'm taking care of my dad. I'm living on being a chief burritos from Del Taco because they're 69 cents.

I have a busy business. And I'm driving all over LA. I work at an office and I also work at some people's homes. So I'm driving all over. And I'm thinking my dad's up. My dad was also a order with his house. He was trails through treasures and trash. Pictures I've never seen. Cool stuff I've never seen. And in there was like piles of recycling and stuff.

It was just this weird nightmare. And I waited to get gas during this time. My car was denied. And that was that was a bomb. I sat in my truck and cried. I had no idea how I'd gotten this place in my life. I thought I had done everything mine. And at this time when my clients, I see people on the one that do one of the non-shrink. I see people on a two-month basis. And one of my clients gave me a bunch of L.

L. and CDs. And I'm a huge audio bloop listener. I still am and listen to them a book a week at least, even now. But so she gave me CDs and I listened to them. And everyone in the CDs, the person was worse than I was at the beginning of the CD. And better than I was at the end of the CD. And I wanted one thing. And one is Mary Pearl. If you don't know who I'm talking about, she is on YouTube.

Now Lee, Mary Pearl, Alonond speaker, just listen to her. She's the craziest Alonond in the world. And the funnies. And I wasn't laughing about anything. And I promised myself I'd go to Alonond when my dad went to the old folk town in the city dark. He died on a Friday. And I was so desperate. I had been hit by desperation, which is a acronym for God. And I went to Alonond that Monday. I never said I was new.

How did they know you're new? So I didn't get any of them in the back, but I sat there and I listened. And I didn't. I don't remember anything. But one lady I kind of knew was in this town. I was in so I kind of knew her. And we chatted for a while. And we didn't even really talk about a program I don't think. But I only came back for her. I didn't hear anything.

I just had no words to go on. I was so angry. Which just would sound me up. I was so angry because she had gotten this truly. And I went the next week just because I know where else to go. And I was angry that I hadn't even been there because she was a problem. And I went the next week and they were having a luncheon for the change of commitments in July. And so what he nominated me? I'm an angel. Somebody nominated me when you're a spiritual person.

Now when I'm kidding you, I'm not making this up. I'm saying exactly what happened. As I went to say no, a voice inside me as clear as a bell said don't say no. I said yes. And I didn't sleep for a couple of days because I think because they were able to find out how valuable the sign was, how I felt about myself. They would find out I don't really care if I don't have any value. I just don't want you to know it. And that was me. And the next week I'm the literature person. What book should I get?

I knew I said I have this one. It was for change. You said I'll take it. So I thought that Alainan is run by the lunatics. I'm right. I'm sitting in these meetings and I'm not really getting it. People are only talking about themselves but they're talking about sponsors. I don't want somebody to tell you what to do. And it was hard to eat guys in meetings at this time. There was one guy who always shared something that was constructive and wise and humble.

So I called him as he would be my sponsor because I knew he probably said no. And it would be a lot easier on the phone. And instead he said he'd be honored. Nobody's ever said that before. I talked to him today on the way up here and he reminded me that he was spoken here before at this conference or convention. It's around us. It's around us. That's not that funny. Anyway, so I'm sitting in these meetings and they're reading the same things every week. It's like come on, let's get it more interesting.

But one night I heard the second step. And all it says, just believe that something can help you. That God can help you. That's all it says. And I never in a million years would have thought to ask God to help me. And while I'm sitting there thinking this I have a step one and I've got a step one work to make. And a few years later I had a sponsor he saved me. How did I do restore insanity when my family's not saying? And I thought well that's a pretty good question. So I looked up the word restore.

It doesn't mean like we think down the computer age that you get something back that was not your computer. That's not what the word means. Not in those fictionaries that Bill Wilson would have used. The word restore means to get something back that's yours because you're a living person, a child of God. You can be born in a slavery, be free, you can be born sick and be cured, you can be restored. And while I was out of the look up the word sanity because it's in that second step. And in that big old dictionary, 8-inch dictionaries, in one sentence it says, it says, soundest of mind. And I did know what to do with that sort of look up the word sound. And in that same dictionary it's a whole page. It means that it's as integrity, like the podium is strong, it's well made.

The word sonar comes from sound, is lab for sound. But we said to signal down into the ocean and we get information, useful information. I can send a signal called a prayer down into my heart. And useful information comes back. I learned that here. Matter of fact, the more I do that, the clearer my situation gets. In step 3, all the sentence is to make a decision. I liked what Michael said. If he's here, he said when he started out the sponsor had the big book, the 12 and 12 in a dictionary. I love denial and I don't want to see it.

So when I look up the word, I see something that I never would have seen before. The word decibel means you cut something. That decision, you cut it into 10. It's left to right, it's cut it, this is it. And the way I learned that was my sponsor said, my will versus God's will. My will feels good while I'm doing it and bad after. I'm ordering the double bacon cheeseburger and the shade and fries and all that. And the way I had great willing eating it and the way I go, why not? Why not? Why not?

Bad felt good when I was doing it and bad after. God's will feels bad while I'm doing it and good after. I'm ordering the kale salad and your tea. I'm the way out, I'm proud of myself. And I looked up the word, pry, and the definition of the dictionary was the satisfactory feeling you get when you do something to honor yourself. I didn't know later on, I needed self-esteem. And step four, the only thing that I had to be before I came to Illinois was journaling. What drove me to Illinois, I'm a musician, I have this regular job, but I'm a musician. And I play a lot of gigs back in the day when there were still gigs. And I played with God's, I played with raw professionals.

And I was the only guy who had a job. So if I made him a state, playing with these guys, I beat myself up all night. And it wasn't until I started journaling that I was able to like calm that down a little bit. I journaled religiously every day for 15 years to get that out of me. I got that at home or I wasn't good enough and I needed to be good enough from it. Oh by the way, my dad died. His next door neighbor was his doctor. He hadn't drunk or taken anything in years. We now know it's die too. We just don't die in the same disease that I'm all this dying from.

His next door neighbor was his doctor and didn't know what was wrong with him. He was an alanant. We died too. I journaled journaled journaled and my sponsor said, when I went out the first step, he said, I do the first step out of the A, a big book. So you can do a bunch of writing. I said, I'm in, I love to write, let's write. So I got the column method from the, from the big book. Well, there's a column in there. What was my part? I knew my wife was crappy with money when I married her.

But I was also, I'm a hippie now. I didn't want to work and hang. I just wanted to surf and hang out. And instead I worked six years ago, so we got to think, she'd do the same thing. But she didn't. My mother-in-law was a gnarly alcoholic and kind of famous. And I, because of that, I thought she was kind of cool and I, I let her control me. My dad gave me one as a kid. I already said that. What was my part in that?

My part, when I came up with, and I said this before and I, I've had a, quite a few guys say me that's really helping. The only thing I can come up with was while he was beating me, I was thinking, Dad, why are you doing this? I know you love me. I don't know if that would have stopped it, but that's how I felt. So my part was at least not saying that. I was injured by my dad's funeral and I did the two meetings. And I was injured and I had some other things on that, on, to deal with there. But when I got to step five, I had all this paperwork. My sponsor and I wrote around this truck and I read, I read these things. It read across the thing and I said, okay, so I read across and I got all done with the first little line.

He went, okay, read another one. I was like, after all this, just read another one. So I read another one and I read another one. And he kind of happens, oh, I did something just like that. It was worse. But I started thinking that because I was really vulnerable, this is pretty serious stuff. I thought into the pullover being me up. Just like my dad would have done if I showed him this amount of vulnerability. And then when we got all done, he said, do you notice any pattern in what you read it be? And I sure did that I had financial insecurity, that I had low self-esteem, that I loved denial, I loved blame.

If you take the me, me, me, I'm blame, blame, blame, blame, it was blah, blah, blah. That I had shame because I felt like I was so low. I didn't know until I heard the acronym, should have already mastered everything. I had that. This is who I was. We went back to his house. We'd gone on our knees, we held hands, we said the third step prayer, the seventh step prayer. And he said, congratulations, you've just done six, four, five, six and seven. I know I didn't get an A and a class. And I wanted to get an A and an Allen on.

And I thought I'd just like kill the midterm. But I don't even know what word to use, flabbergasted, devastated, overwhelmed with how I had blamed everybody for my problem. And it turns out I was 100% wrong. I did this to myself. All these defects is how I was living my life through the filter of those defects. And I was a victim, I thought. And said I turned out to be a volunteer. And this, I didn't know what to do with this, so I didn't do any step work for a year. I just figured it off because six and seven worked me. I spent a good part of that time thinking of all the damage I had done in my long life at that time.

So there was a bunch of stuff on my eight step list that wasn't in my four step list. One of them was something I'd done in high school. I'm too long, I'm telling you, but it's just too long and involved. But never does, I drove. I called my sponsor. My sponsor said, okay, you're in step nine. Don't give any amends without talking to me, so you don't do any more harm. So I went to my sponsor and said, I wanted to do this one first. She said, what happened that day? And I told him.

He said, what do you think you ought to say? And I told him. He said, okay, I'll change this, change that, and then I'll let you be all right. I drove way into hell out of the desert. I went back with this old friend of mine. And he wanted to hang out, play guitars, goof off, and I said, the reason I'm here is the thing that happened that day. I did it. He didn't remember it. I had to remember it or mine and what happened. I said it was so wrong.

I thought I was doing something good, but it was so wrong. And I'm just here to own it. And he went, it's completely fine, man, I love you. We hung out, we did all that stuff. And when I left, I said, man, I'm so ashamed that I was that wrong, looking back on it. And he hugged me and said, I love you. He plays in bands too. I don't play volleyball. I play like bars and music partners, okay? But I love what I do.

And he does the same thing. And he can see you one time, not long after this. And he was getting in his car all the way across the park. And I said, I love you, man. So my hardest night said, if you haven't done your four-ship yet, if you haven't done your four-ship yet and you're afraid of it, be afraid. That night step is the hardest. And in my 10th step, the girls I work with, I have a small little office. We had so much fun. We got in trouble at a restaurant one night for laughing too much. And one of the girls was trying to be a little standoffish.

And I said, hey, did I tease you a little too much yesterday or something like that? She said, my daughters are driving me crazy. She came over to the company. I made a problem. This would have bugged me out when it comes to all kinds of ridiculous crap, so I'd make her feel better and do something. And instead I just owned what I did, what I thought I didn't even have done. And it was a beautiful thing. All step 10 isn't, keep doing what you've been stepping on and all the rest of them before that. In step 11, somebody asked me if I would do a panel, do a rehab. I took it, I did my little 10 minute thing, and the way out, I took this big old cop and his cute little wife, she would be out of the holly.

And I even thought to realize how much I've learned in Illinois. I've been in Illinois maybe three years or something at this time. And she just saw him grow up, I talked to him, I was surprised it was kind of getting in my mouth because he was me. And this guy asked me if I'd take that thing over and I took it over and I loved it. I started a bunch of panels. This was a long time ago, these panels showed all me. I loved talking to newcomers. I bring people from the meetings. And they'd just be coming along and have to get a sponsor and do a commitment. And the stuff they'd say to these rehab was jeans.

I thought people would like 25 years and they might have been like Chinese to the people in the rehab. It was the new people and everything to say. Well, I think I love doing these panels too much because I got a call on time from a carload of laughing crazy ladies asking me if I would meet a institution's coordinator. I'm from California, California World Service. Now I knew not to say no. I said yes and I called my sponsor and I said I made it over my head. He said, which position did you take? And I said institutions and he said, I did it, I'll help you. My high power is weighing around every corner for me. Just waiting there, already making things right and straight for me.

What I didn't know was that also I was the co-chair of the Southern California H&I conference. That's why I asked about conference. The difference between the convention and the conference I understand is the conference is more about, is more information gathering. At this particular conference, Warden speak and they talk about how AA changed their institution and what good they got at, what the problems they have. And the audience can ask questions. There's always questions after every speaker. Interesting people. Well at my first meeting for this convention as the Alana Co-chair is in the Drags of Long Beach. Long Beach does drags pretty well. And I did this really funky old Alana club with big old metal claky chairs and all like 30 or 40 people.

We've done it some laughs and they've been doing this convention for years and years. And they go around the room introducing themselves at the beginning of me. I'm Bill on the Worschauk Hall like in the world. I'm jammed. This fool's not nearly as bad as I am all around the man. And they get to me and everybody's an AA. They get to me and I almost said, I'm rocker and I don't know what they said. I said, I'm rushin' on them all like, any of you guys. And they all clapped. And in the break, a couple of the guys walked by and he didn't come up and said, I go down up too.

And it's awesome but please don't tell them. But I thought that when they clapped. They clapped because while they were in prison, their wives went to Alana and Alatini kept their family together. Every event I was in charge of was so well-attended. I was in charge of luncheon and some panels. The luncheon sold out instantly. The second they said we would luncheon luncheon think that they were gone. And they did something interesting at this conference. In the back, there was a whole bunch of free seats. Because these guys couldn't afford the luncheon because they had just got out of the prison.

Somebody had peed their way in and they were wearing what they owned. And they were so desperate to not be who they were just like these two guys who spoke before me. They were there desperately trying to get better. They gave their desperation. It was such an inspiration. The guys who spoke had been in prison. They were nothing but muscles, huge, cat-room faces, shaved cans, the scariest, sweetest people. When they talked about getting out of prison on Tuesday, one month later, whenever the legal time was, they could take a panel back into the prison. The boys that they went, these huge killers, we over the love they had for the men and their meetings. It was a matter to me to be associated with this.

I was carrying a message when I got to step 12. The girls that worked with me started going to L or not. Because they saw how much it changed me. I never told them to go down. They saw how much it changed me. I had worked with the steps. I looked up the word steps. It's in the dictionary and the definition is that something you do in order to get some place. I needed to be some place because I was in Fredy Oobah. My wife, a God who met a conductor who said, You're not an alcoholic.

You're a bike puller. Take all these pills and you'll be fine. My wife up there? She wasn't fine. It was like seven pills in this bag. I thought that would let you take one at a time and see how they do. Well, the best example was watching her walk down the hallway and it changed the temperature on the thermostat. It took 100% of her attention units to make that happen. I watched this and I wanted to jump out of my skin and run away. I went into my grand sponsor that night at a meeting.

I've been to countless meetings with this guy. I've been to a lot of retreats, maybe 30 retreats with him. I've been to a lot of retreats with him and I've sponsored one of his kids. I know him really well. He said, Hey man, how you doing? I said terrible. He said, What's going on? I told him. I said, What do I do? He said, Be a loving husband.

I came to focus on yourself. The next day, when I was getting ready to go to work, I thought, You know what, loving husband would probably kiss his wife, goodbyes. He'd have to work. And when I walked down the hallway and kissed her, goodbyes, she was still asleep. I would rather throw it up on the floor than kiss her, goodbyes. And I kissed her on the knee because she was asleep. And when I left, I felt better. And that's the Eleanor Declaration. Let it begin with me. If there's going to be love and understanding and then a compassion in this house, let it come from me.

Why is it not to come at me? About the same week when my clients came in, she's the one who actually got me into my phone. I called her my favorite God sponsor. And I love her. She knows my wife's family. She knew my situation. She came into the office and she said, How are you? And I said, Terrible. She's also been in Eleanor in like 40 years. She said, What's going on?

And I told her. And I said, What do I do? She said, I can tell you what to do. It works every time. And it takes you a week. I said, What is it? She said, Pray for her. On your needs. But she gives everything she wants from her higher power, for her highest good, and you don't even have to. I didn't know that's on page 552 in the big book.

I didn't have her a long time. And they call it the resenter prayer. And I did that a couple of times that day. I did it a few more times the next day. Within a week I was doing it like maybe 500 times a day. I don't know. Like something like that. And at this time my son got married. And he's like a successful salesman. He sells these really expensive things.

He put on this wedding. And it was kind of close to here. It was where the bachelor was in San Diego, yes. And my wife was taking all these pills. And she missed every wedding related day. And she showed up at the shower when they were doing dishes. She missed the rehearsal. But she did miss the rehearsal dinner because it was a block from her. We stayed by my right front by the beach on stage street in Santa Barbara. I would have gone to what his name is Bar if I had not seen it.

I could have been there. And when I saw it, I was going at the rehearsal dinner. Since my wife and myself, my son came at the beach and said, Dad, I don't know how to get mom to show up to the wedding. And I took out my non-elan-on approved tape, Superman tape, I put it on. And I said, don't worry, son. I'll make sure she gets there. When I left, I go to the wedding from Santa Barbara, she was in the shower. So I was pretty sure she might show up when it was over. And thank God for cell phones. I was like, call my sponsor on the way up.

San Marcos Pass. And I don't remember what he said. But I called my little money buddy, Dave. Dave and I, our wife, got to the same rehab. And we went to all the same meetings together. And we were just inseparable. And I called him and told him what was going on. And he said, you've been at boot camp all this time. And Elan on. Today you go to war.

And you take every tool you've learned. And you use it. And I knew how to make a man. And I walked right up to my son. And I said, I told you I could get mom to show up today, but I don't think she's going to make it. But let's have a great day anyway. Yay. So we did. We, and she, her credit, she did show up at the last minute. And then she was this week.

Everybody was looking for her because she was parking up, looking for a earring. And then an hour later, something's going on, this commotion of the dance floor. And it's her break dancing for you. She's like, you know, she missed the brunch on the beach. You know, right there on the state street, and then I put her in the corner. And I was just back to square the water. And I called Dave. I called my sponsor and talked about all this stuff. I called Dave and I said, you know, I'm thinking of doing an intervention. It's just, we're just back to the bad old days.

And, but they're expensive. And he said, they are. I said, yeah, because I've been looking into it. And he said how much? And I told him. And he went, huh. That's exactly how much it cost me to file for divorce. I thought, hmm. There's no idea. So I made an appointment to see a lawyer.

And a couple of days later, I'm getting ready. And she walks down the hallway and says, why are you getting ready to go to work? You don't work in this day. And I said, well, since you asked me where I'm going, I'm going to see a lawyer. And she said, why? And I said, because I wanted divorce. And she said, why? That prayer. I can do in that prayer. So much.

All I could do, it was either my will and go crazy. Because I was right. I could prove that I was right. I could drive myself crazy, logically. Or I could do that prayer. And the kind of work I do, I just slip into this little room and get on my knees and let me teach them. 15 seconds to do that prayer. And I did it so many times. I lived the more I prayed, the clearer my situation gets. And when she said, why do you want to divorce?

I didn't know this. This summed up my life at that moment. I said, because I don't want to live this way anymore. And she said, well, let's work it out. And I said, well, what do you have in mind? Do you know what I have in mind? And she said, I'll go back to AA, I'll go to DA, and I want to see a shrink, a male shrink with you. And same lady, you gave me the prayer. Came in the name of the ship. The post, it was still on my desk.

I said, what's her name? You gave me a, you can see him. She said, yeah. So we go see this guy. We took separate cars. I called my sponsor on the way to and from every session. On the way to the first session, he said, keep an open mind and just listen. And I did that. At the first meeting, the first session, I found out that he'd been in L on 35 years. So my sponsor on the way home said, you're in the slip freeze home.

I said, what's that? He said, say anything you want, I'll let him correct you. What's in that funny at the time? For instance, she doesn't go to enough meetings. And he said, how many meetings she goes to is none of your business. I did learn that from him. My sponsor finally had to say, stay that F out of her business. Because that was my big thing if she went to enough meetings to be okay. That was what I thought that was my logical thinking. Well, after the sessions, I heard, maybe, I don't know if this is true, but I've just had my thought.

Maybe why drinking and using work for her. Something had happened to her when she was a young teenager. And it was bad. And it was criminal. And her family did not handle it well at all. And when she told the therapist this, he practically did come out of his chair. And he said to me, this is serious. And I need to see her alone. I said, okay. And so whatever happened out there, I don't know.

I was out of her business. After that, we did pretty well for quite a while. She got a job to make a mess for some of the spending. She had a good job. So we lived in the outskirts of LA. She had to take a ventralink all the way into downtown LA and walk about a quarter mile to this job. She did it for about 10 years. She never messaged. She loved it. She had friends there.

She was like a normal person. I don't know what her deal was. She was gone all day. I still had my own business when I was still doing it. I took care of a 48-year-old too. And she retired. And I sort of retired. At her retirement, it was maybe 150 people there. She was the assistant to the president. And they just loved on her.

They talked about it. Our whole family was there. And she was just going with whatever happened to her. She had come around. She was back. She was back in her side a long time ago. She actually had a life. So I get retired. I just cut away back. And she retired.

And so, like I said, I had this big piece of property and I'm a musician. So I'm either outside fixing. I planted a million trees. I didn't know that later on you in the trim movement they sold out. So I'm doing all this. I've had a tractor and a barn. And she's in the house doing whatever she's doing. And then otherwise, I'm in my little room playing music and doing stuff there. And then COVID hits. And so, nothing changed for me.

And she was in the house doing whatever she does. So, and my kids lived. My son has cut us a family and lives in Bournemouth Creek. And my daughter lives in Hollywood. So, at all the holidays, Mother's Day, Father's Day, and forth, all those holidays, everybody would come to our house. We had a bonfire. The grandkids had motorcycles to ride around. We had a great time. But something that said, you know, like my wife would like fall down while we were like having lunch outside. Or, oh, these shoes.

Or she's splurder speech a lot. On just really tired and not sleeping well. Started getting fender benders. A lot of fender benders ordering like three times more food than we needed. You know, that kind of stuff. Just little things. My daughter's really direct. One day she was like, Dad, Mom's hot. And I was like, oh my God, you're fine. It's just like, I didn't, you know.

And within a week she had organized an intervention on Zoom. So, we're on Zoom. And it's the therapist, A. A. girls. She was almost saying she owned a rehab out of the beach. And my wife and my daughter and son are me. And so I'm in my little man cave. And she's in there and my kids are in their houses. And so the therapist, you know, says whatever she says.

And then my wife talks and says, yeah, well, you know, I have a problem. And my son says, Mom, you have a problem. Why don't you do something about it? Good question. And my daughter goes, Mom, you either get it together. Or I'm done with you. And the therapist says to me, do you have anything you'd like to say? I had to say one word up until this morning. And I'm in my little room with a calendar right there. I said, oddly enough, the only thing I have to say is today is my 20th anniversary in Alonaut.

And I said, I looked at her and she dropped like a cartoon character, you know. She was pretty amazed. I did too. But I was going crazy by then. She went into another rehab. And I'm going crazy. But I remember that when I read my four step, I realized I'm not a victim. I have control over this. I've worked a step. I knew some things.

So I reread my four step. I reread all the steps. I mean, all of the stories in the back of how Alonaut works, I reread because they're miracles. I read all the stories in the first edition. A big book and the fourth edition, A big book. And I told you it would be, they're all miracles. And I told you it would be a audio book listener. And one of the Alonaut books, transforming our losses, whatever the rest of the title is. That's on audio. I read that like five times.

Only five hours long. You've got to listen to it. I drove from Yosemite to come here today. I heard it the whole boat on the way down here today. Realizing that I caused my own misery. She checked into this rehab, Beverly Hills Rehab. And I'm in mind minding my own business. I dropped proper rehab. I brought it whatever she needed. They gave her four days free.

Beverly Hills. They gave her four days free because she was so bad. And when I picked her up and I put her in the car and the guy had to direct her walk me around my side of the car and he said, she's not done. Keep your eye on her. Well I didn't really know anything. I said Alonaut. I'm not supposed to keep my eye on her. There's a joke. Alonaut, how many Alonaut does it take to screw in a light bulb? I haven't even told you to punch my hands.

None. You have to wait for the light bulb to screw itself. It's funny until you're in it. You're watching somebody go downhill and you are in step one and power this. And she, um, I called her sponsor. I said she's just not doing well. She said she's just moving with us to help me kind of take care of her. And I called her, my sponsor and I said, can I call her sponsor? Her sponsor was married to my sponsor if you can follow her. So I called, that was my sponsor mom.

So I called him and I said, can I call her? He said, yeah. And so I called her and I just to tell her what was going on, I wasn't trying to get any insights scoop or try to control her. And she said, thanks for calling, keep me posted. And I called her and I said, I'm worried about her. She said, me too. Put her in the car and come get me. Let's take her to the ER. So this is through COVID and they wouldn't let me in the ER. They're in the hospital.

I had to wait in the parking lot all day. And they kept it my wife there. And she was in there about a week and a half or something. They called me and said, bring the kids down. We don't think she's going to make it. We don't know what's wrong with her, but we don't think she's going to make it. The kids came down and we went into the room and she was all tubes in her room. She was out. She didn't know her there. And the kids went home.

We went out to lunch. It was kind of this weird thing in the air because the kids were taking this, right? Oh well, screw it. One of my kids said, you know what, it wouldn't have been that bad, Dad. She passed away. You were tired of this. They were in their late 30s, early 40s by this point. I'm tired of it. And, um, did I go over? It's just like a couple of minutes ago.

Just a moment. Just a couple. Um, anyway, I brought it home. I always saw her every day. I brought her home about a month later and said, it's that bad. Oh, she went after the hospital. She had to go rehab for six weeks where they kind of helped her walk again. Turned out she wasn't eating well, but she was in the house. Just eating like crappy food, really crappy food. I, we've been doing all the meals forever.

I'm going to try and read this up. Guys, I'm sorry. This, this part of my talk is due. She, when I was done, a lot sooner in this situation. And, um, and I'm nervous about, I don't want to like tell you the wrong thing or like mislead you in any way. So much of this is so important to me. Um, she wound up in the ER, the hospital, the rehab began. And, and she, and she got out and it was just kind of weird. Her sister was living with us and she was kind of okay. I was getting out one day, my wife and I got a little fight.

And it's about a little fight. And she said, I want a divorce. And I didn't say a word, but I prayed about it. I meditated it. I called my sponsor. I used it as a topic at a meeting. The men's meeting I'd go to, by the way, was over a hundred guys. A lot of experience in that meeting. And, um, about a week later, she mentioned it again. I said, Me too.

She said, really? Within two weeks I had been served. And I called my sponsor and I said, I got served. Do we know any divorce lawyers? And he said, hmm. Remember the guy who got the divorce and had the high profile Hollywood divorce attorney? One of the guys at my meeting was a famous actor. And he had this big, nasty, even news divorce. My sponsor said, I sat in the trial next to his assistant who was a lawyer. I called her.

She was great. So I called her and she answered. And I said, I need to hire you. I've been served with papers. And I said, there's one thing I want you to know. Before we go any farther, I want this to be fair. And she was quiet for a long time. And she said, you know, nobody's ever said that to me before. And where I learned that was from my grand sponsor. I told you I sponsored one of his kids.

And about ten years before he had divorced his wife, I knew her really well too. And we were sitting around at one of our traders, something happened to coffee. And he said, you know, Raj, when I divorced what's her name? After it was all over, I didn't have any amends to make. And that was my whole. And the only time my lawyer, I don't want to say she was mad at me. But she said, no judge will make it give that up. And I said, I want this to be 100% fair. I have to look my kids in the eye and her in the eye for the rest of my life. I want to know that this was fair.

And it was. I had no amends to make. And that I had divorced about a year. So, I'm going to ask them to tell them, hey, hey guys, you spoke before me if they have sisters. I'm going to end with two quick things. It says in the AA12 and 12 that our tradition 5 tells us that we need to study the AA steps of traditions. It says this exactly. It says it's a spiritual axiom. And I'd forgotten what an axiom was. But an axiom that is sitting in for the word axiom is truth.

So it says it's a spiritual truth that every time I disturb, no matter what the cause, problem lies within me, that's right what it says. Not occasionally, not most of the time. It's never their fault. It's always within me. And I heard Dr. Bob's son, who we know Dr. Bob's son was raised in an alcoholic home. And I heard him say this the same exact way in Alaska. And he said, what's wrong with me that I can't love you? And that's that one.

And I looked up a lot of words, like I said, even Michael talked about looking upwards. I looked up a lot of words, one word that really shocked me was the definition of the word enable. The definition of right out of the dictionary is thinking you're helping somebody when you're at leisure. That sucks. I did that to myself, let alone my family. I abandoned my kids. I worked 60 hours a week, but they were at home. I didn't know how that was at home. I was in denial. Didn't even notice I was lying to myself.

But my favorite word is miracle. And the definition in the dictionary, this is exactly what it says. An event that proves the existence of God. And that's Eleanor NAA. And this conference, this convention, is proof. Just from what I've heard already in the first night, proof of the existence of God this weekend. Thank you guys. Thank you for the ability. Thank you. Thank you.