Transcripción de audio: sin editar

I want that title. Good evening, everyone. My name is Theresa, I'm an alcoholic. Theresa, I'm here for the special. Great, could it be here? Great, could it be sober? Because I'm a loving guy. Hi. Hi. There's a lot of you.

Oh, she's joking. I did forget an account down to stand up. I literally had like a brain fart. I remember she said, 41. I don't know where I went, guys. And I came back and I heard 32. I was like, what did you call? She was like, you get a chance to tell them when you get up. I was like, how do you do this? I missed it.

I'm 36. I want to thank the committee so much for asking me to come on out. All the work that you've done and put in, it's been a wonderful conference. Thank you, Carol, for taking care of me and getting a hold of me. I'm so hopeful. It takes a lot. I think Ralph calls us shadow warriors. You know, sometimes I'm in the shadows of volunteers and committees. You work all year. All you get to hear sometimes are the complaints.

And now we tell folks, if you don't like anything about the conference, join the committee. I just don't want to make your way. Anyway. I bring you a bright-eyed hand to the committee meeting. Oh, Lori. I always have a share before I share and I share a lot, but it helps me tremendously. No matter how many times I do this, I'm always nervous. This is uncomfortable and awkward and intimidating. And depending on where I'm at in my life, you know what I mean? It's even more so.

I live so in a glass house, so transparent, constantly having to share myself with many. And there are times I still want my secret. And as uncomfortable and awkward as it is, my life depends on it and somebody did it for me. So I get to say yes. You know, and sometimes I want to say no. And I do believe this. I do believe God in His infinite wisdom. Must know that if He doesn't put me in front of you, you lose me. I am a storyteller. If you had an opportunity to chat with me a little bit this weekend, I talk a lot.

I had to make use of that. I am a chatter. Sometimes I don't know how to be just still with the dead space. But I am a storyteller. And I remember at one time I would say I don't like seeking. I don't like seeking. But I kept hearing people at the podium. I pay attention to things that I hear over and over again. And I kept hearing speakers get up and after they thanked the committee, they will go now to my favorite subject, me. And they will talk about themselves.

But I kept hearing that. So I had to ask myself, are you pretending to be modest? Why do you keep saying you don't like it, but you do it all the time? Do you really like it? Do you like talking about it? So I prayed on it. And what I found is not so much that I liked the favorite subject, me. I think it's emotional. I love talking about God in this program. I just do.

At any chance that I get with whomever I can get it with, I just love sharing the beauty of alcohol and synonymous and God in my life. And so I had to stop saying I don't like sharing and talk. Because I do. Any chance I get. I share with my family, with my neighbors. I don't go preaching from the hilltops. And I don't try to go convert people. But if I can share my experience about a loving God and a fellowship, oh my goodness. And about these 12 steps. In a general way.

I had the privilege after I did this grief workshop. I was so excited. One of my classmates came out. I am taking my master's humanities. We're all online students. And finding out that I was in the area, that feels good. Somebody wants to meet up with you. I can be that kind of student like, oh God, not her. And instead, I'm like, absolutely. Another one wanted to come and try to come.

I get an opportunity to meet one another. It just felt good. I appreciate my fellow cohorts. School for me is a playground. I believe that God gives me that as my recess. It's the me thing. That's the one thing I get to do for me. I have fun learning and exchange of ideas. And I'm a priest by trade. So I'm not going to school to get a career.

And so I just, I don't know. I just feel like saying this. Because he came out. And I think what touches me when I say, I love sharing about this fellowship. And what you've done for me in God is that most of my cohorts are actually agnostics and atheists. And what I love about them is they let me be. And sometimes I forget, well, do a group study and I'm like, let's pray. And I'll pray. And afterwards, I'm like, I'm so sorry. I had to talk to someone you don't believe in.

And they were like, it's all right. And recently, I ran into some financial difficulty getting assistance with loans and stuff. And I thanked them all for all that they'd given me and all that they shared with me. And more than likely, I wouldn't be able to finish my master's program. I won't be able to afford to do so. But I was like, but God willing, we'll see what happens. It's God's will for me if I continue my education. And I just love them. You know, one raised their hand. It was like, you know, Teresa, I don't believe in that God thing.

And I know you always talk about that thing. But what I do believe is I believe in me and I believe in you. And you will finish this program. You know, and then somebody else said the same thing. I know you say the God thing. I don't know about that, Teresa, but we're going to start like a way to raise some money and get you to start. And I love that I am. They did. They raised money from you. I finished my education.

They did. They got together in the professors and my nephews and raised money so I can pay for the rest. So that just fills my heart that I get to represent us even with those who don't believe in what we are or even understand alcoholism. That I'm a living, walking example of God's love and God's will and the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous. So I get excited about sharing notes. That's the good news we bring. And I said, like the Friday day, it's March 29, 1990. I crawled into these rooms at the age of 24. And I'm now 61. So I'm sober longer than I was drinking.

I want to welcome our new friends. Welcome home with their brain team. We actually don't need five minutes before the miracle happens and let us love you so you can learn to love yourself. It's going to be all right. I heard you don't have to take a drink again if you want to more importantly when you don't want to. The program really works. And if Alcoholics is through with you, we got some with you. But if Alcoholics is not through with you and you're having a good old time, have one for me. I ain't mad at you. I have a lot of family members that are still getting down.

I'll be like, that's right. And they do. Terry, when you were like, that's right. I like how Rob says, you don't know you in it to you out of it. You know what I'm saying? So please keep coming back. And I will continue to share this. The newcomer is important. I'm so glad we gave you that big book and we're able to share with you. But I always say, I don't know where I would be.

It wasn't for the old time. So I want to take only old timers in the house. Thank you for my life and my sobriety. I said, what would you have? We need you. Thank you for leaving the light on. Carrying the message, doing a whole bunch of no matter what. Sitting that same seat. We've got so many. We have that and I will.

Y'all have that in your own room. I'm sorry, you don't sit in a seat, y'all. Even if you happen to sit there by mistake, it just feels funny, right? You're like, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. To see that same face, that familiar face, there's something about that. And now we say, this is something I enjoy. You probably don't have it at your home room. We all seem like a cool little bunch.

But in my home room, we've got our old timers been hanging out with each other for the last 50, 40 years. And some of them still don't like one another. There's something about that I dig, y'all. I don't know what it is, but I do. I just dig it. What about your dishes, Joey? I do. I like it because somebody will get up and maybe like, I still hear it. And there's people, yeah. You know, I think love it.

I just love it. And you're like, that's right. I'm so here. I just love it. There's something about that I just love. So thank you. Thank you for showing up. I have a short amount of time to share in a general way what we used to be like, what happened at what we're like now. I get to give you a reader's digest. And I tell this story often, some people with a herd need to probably say it for me.

A man, man, never forget it. Every time I share it, I see it. I smell it. I hear it. I get so grateful to think that there was a time in my life that the alcoholic life was a normal one. You didn't tell me that there was anything wrong with the way in which I was living. My right way is, Sarah. Okay. Okay. May you follow me yesterday.

There you are. I'm like, three and she's got a beat. About sorry, you're young, right? I wish I could tell some of you guys stories. I mean, I love to hear the stories of how you met alcohol and how it changed your life and transformed you and how you describe, how you make you feel warm and fuzzy on the inside when it went down. And thank God for telling me a list of similarities rather than differences. And I've heard a lot from you. And so I think about what it could have been like for me, but I didn't have words, right, to understand what my experience was. But as he has said, I have met some movement. Okay.

At least one thing's for sure. You're not from LA. And LA, everybody would have been on the floor. That was funny. If that were the one who would have laid the whole floor, you would see nobody's toothbrush. Hey, trainers, you hear that? You're not from the floor. Don't let's see if I'm going to leave me. I'm like, okay. That's funny.

Okay. I can't listen to you all. But I do learn from the experiences. I'm born addicted. So I came, I was getting loaded and fetus. I was having a good time. My mom is belly. My mother was an alcoholic. She died with 38 years. And my mother did not want me as the story goes.

I was not wanting. I am a product of rape, according to her. My father has an entirely different perspective on that situation. And she did everything possible to get rid of me and abort me. She was happy just with my brother. She wanted to know the children of manufacturing and I loved my father. She married him to upset the family. My mother's Puerto Rican. My father's African American. We definitely come from New York, West Side Story.

Mom, you wanted to make a boyfriend jealous and really upset the family. So she went with my dad. I got pregnant. It's called shotgun wedding. So she had to marry him. But she didn't love him. But she did fall in love with my brother. My father was abusive. My father is an orphan. And he doesn't know what it is to have a family but attracted to those who do.

He was very angry. And so my mother didn't want any more children with him. But daddy wanted a big family. He's an orphan. And so she sees it as a product of rape. He saw it as a white community. And so when I was born, I was born addicted. My mother left me in the hospital. And she told my father, you wanted it. You can keep it away from me.

I don't want to see it. I don't want to touch it. And I don't want to hear it. And she left. So it was my grandmother and my father that bought me gold. It's interesting to me too that it was my grandmother and my father that I went to and who I had when I hit my bottom. It was a wella. It was a wella and my dad. Now I can only go by what they tell me because I certainly wasn't there. I was a baby.

I was a new fit. But they said that the hospital told them that they had to wing me off. When a baby is born, they think you can't just stop them cold certain. They can actually die that way. So they had to wing me off so they would give a little and slowly they're supposed to lessen it. But really I think this is where my relationship starts with alcohol. This part of the story I don't think will change. Is that they want a mommy to look at me to touch me. So they said they left me alone in the house with mom. And I started screaming and she put a pillow over her head and she just kept saying shut that thing up.

What do I do that thing? And she went in the living room and discovered she was alone with me. And she took a pillow and she began to smother me and get rid of me once and for all. But for whatever reason she remembered hearing if you give her alcohol she'll stop crying. So from that moment on my mother said a law in that house of precipice that we're not doing the weaning off thing that a bottle of alcohol will remain in my mouth. And the only time it was to be removed was to be refilled. Her hope was that I would die from alcohol poisoning. And she can get rid of me once and for all. Certainly mommy didn't anticipate and I can't even know that I was an alcoholic. You see I hear a lot of sorry's of what 50 people who are new thinking without the whole is a myth.

There are people who are problem-dreamers. Consequences while drinking it doesn't necessarily make you an alcoholic. I used to teach DUI classes and many who had DUI's were not alcohol. They would just drink a little bit too much and they drove. As a matter of fact on the side note I used to have so much fun. They'd feel like having too much fun in this path. I'm like oh you shut up it's hope, unish it. I just have so much fun to tell you. And I would love it when they were first coming from their intake and even like I just want you to know I am not an alcoholic. And it makes it very very clear.

I'm a problem with an alcohol, I'm not an alcoholic. And I would always say that if I was you I would not announce that in class. What are you talking about? Yes, she's got to yourselves. I know it's important, no it isn't. Because you see the alcoholic has an illness. They lost the power of choice a long time ago. They have an illness. You on the other hand, since you're not an alcoholic, it's called free meditated murder. So basically you're really reckless and you're a choking.

If I was you I would keep that to myself. You're dangerous. You could have stopped in time before you grow but you know nothing. You could have stopped in time. You're a good alcoholic. You're a good alcoholic. You're a good alcoholic. Oh I had so much trouble going on. So what makes me an alcoholic is that as an infant, my body was supposed to reject it, get sick from it and die as a result of it. Instead, my body welcomed it, absorbed it and demanded more of it.

Hence, the phenomenon of craving in the allergy of the body. As an infant. So I couldn't get really twisted with that when I got here. How would I possibly survive? If I don't have what you call the disease of alcohol. I myself did not have a conscious choice to drink. It was administered and it was given to me. And I drank every single day, all day, without a new year's resolution, without swearing off forever. For 24 years of my life until I crawl into these rooms 36 years ago. And I drank in my house.

Not in the street, not with peer pressure, not with friends. In my house. And I sip my drinks. I didn't chug a lug, I didn't dance blood and make it on table. I drank the fine wines and kabasier. My mother was a drunk. My cousins were drunk, and heroin addicts. And I picked them up by the dope houses in my limousine. And cleaned them up. And cleaned up mommy.

Called ambulance and hospitals for the old bees. Mommy in and out of mental institutions. And I'm the baby. Then I'm in alcohol. I would say thank God for good sponsorship. I remember telling my sponsor when I got here, I don't think I'm in alcoholic. A lot of you are hot mess. And she took me to downtown to get grown and deduced me to myself. If you've been drinking as long as I have only eaten a little bit. My entire blood sugar is filled with alcohol.

I just need a little sip. Thank God for good sponsorship. Having me examine my relationship with alcohol. Now I have a short period of time on my sponsor. I had the opportunity to hear you a lot more about my life. I would say when I did my fifth step it was more like Goodwill Hunting. I refer to movies a lot because it gives me some type of point of reference. Because when I finished reading my fifth she was like, it's not your fault. I remember while I was talking like that you were in a meow. It's your fault.

Yeah, my sponsor, believe it or not, when I got done with my inventory. Again, I just love where we meet people where they are. She said, now I know the big book says anger is a dubious luxury for normal men. But for you I need you to be upset for men. Because what happens to you is not okay. So she literally gave me an exercise to be angry for seven days. It was so funny. I was walking around going, I am angry. I am very disappointed. It was funny.

I did it though. So I'm going to give you some adjectives that you gave me and did not have them before I came here. And that is that you say I come from a dysfunctional family. Okay. As far as I know it's my family. Most of them are, they have heroin addict, they have to deal with hustler, with mafia, which is different from gangs. We're the ones that put the drugs on the street. And we're also police officers, politicians and freaks. They're all the same. They're all the same.

I can't really tell you. They're all over the place. But you call that dysfunctional. It says no, there was a mental that went out to my family. And it said, to reason we've used this to die, nobody wants their own in their day. Nobody wants her. She is nothing. She is nobody. We hate her. We can't stand her.

So please let out all of your frustrations, your deviance and your pedophile, please. Because they all did. And so the other adjective I got for you is verbal abuse. That's cute. That's the way they talk to me. I really didn't know that my name was Teresa. So I came out from all of it to honor. And I'm proud of that today. So when people call me other things, I'm like, no, my name is Teresa. Other than my past, they'll call me Terry.

But people call tea and make up names. No, Teresa is my name. I found that out here. That's the name that's on my birth certificate. You call it verbal abuse. The other thing you gave me was what physical abuse? I've been kicked, punched, pistol-witted. Burned with cigarettes. Popewick knives. I would say my brother shot me.

He said he was aiming at the chair. I was sitting on it. It was my fault. That was his gaming practice. He still got the part to show it. But you call it physical abuse. It was more like that he comes there. Have you ever seen that movie? Woken bones, taken out, few weeks. The doctors would be like, oh, her shoulders out here.

And I'm like, anybody back? Let's go. Keep your moment. My arm is like a pipe. Okay. But you call it physical abuse. And what's the other one? Sexual abuse, right? I lost my virginity at five. Men and women.

Turns with my body. Again. Okay. That's what they did to me. That's why my sponsor was like, hold on a second. You see, I did my fourth call real easy. I do work with others and I hear people who call me, struggle with the inventory. I'm like, that's how I'm getting easier to me. I'm always blaming myself. I was convinced by each and every one of them that I'm the one that did it.

It's my fault. Thank God for this sponsorship. I know many of you folks really believe that all alcohol is like bull in a China store, but not all of us. That was not I. No, I learned to dot the eyes and cross the seas and God forbid you notice I'm in the room. I need to Harry Potter cloak. See no evil here, no evil, speak no evil. Alcohol allowed me to be invisible. It was my friend, my lover, my companion. It talked to me and it told me if nobody loves you, I love you.

It's you and me against the world. I got you. I came in this world with alcohol. Talk about it being a spirit. That's why we call it spirits. That was my guardian angel. That was my friend. That is my friend. It allowed me to exist in a world that is terrible and dark and horrible. And when my grandmother and my father couldn't get the bottle out of my mouth, they were just as powerless.

The best thing they can come up with was to introduce me to the world of spirit. And so as a little girl, I also started learning about angels and ancestors and spirit guides. And my happy place was sitting down with a glass of water and a candle. And I would invite and invoke and meditation. I was doing transcendental meditation by the time I was seven. And I would go into the planet and quantum leap into all the little universe and the planets and the stars. It was always so beautiful in those other places, in the world of spirit. And then I would come to the physical world, lions and tigers and bears, oh my. And so you see, I got to live in the world of the same called spirit. And then the same called alcohol that we consider a spirit helped me to live on planet earth.

And I think that's the 24 years you couldn't at all be anything was wrong with that life. You couldn't say perhaps three senior to get help. We need to rescue you. I know I have big sister programs, mentorship programs. I would go to upstate New York and write donkeys and make apple pie with a woman named funny. And as much as I believe there was no impact and must have been because I remember her. I had teachers that tried their best to help. I'll always remember Mrs. Stitu. In the fifth grade, my cousin had done a horrible rape.

And this is how normal my life was. I went to school for eleven and a half years. And I went to Mrs. Stitu. She was a late teacher and I said to her, my cousin had texted me. And I'd been bleeding for two days. You think I should go to the hospital? And she took me. And we went to the hospital. I got stitched up and I went back to class, folks.

This alcoholic life was a normal one. It wasn't because I was in pain. I just noticed, you know what I mean? I was like, what do I do? I live my life. I got, I'm telling you, when I look back at it, oh my goodness. I was so broken and so lost. So look at someone like that right now. I'll be like, are you kidding me? You know, there are a lot of my classmates that look for me on Facebook for grammar school and high school.

And I don't remember a lot of people. Those years are black out. So a lot of my memory is other people's memories. Usually things will come to me. My brother used to be my memory. And things will come. And I would call Tony and I'm like, I see a cat. And it's black. And he was like, yeah, and he was feeling the blights. I see curtains.

There's curtains. And when they look me on Facebook, I'm always in an awkward situation. I have to say to them, can you tell me about me? Yeah, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I don't remember you. I go to my grammar school reunion. Even now, when I do go back, they're all prepared. They always show up with pictures and they tell me stories. I remember the first time I went, one of them, she was just so heartbroken.

She was like, you don't remember me? You're your best friend. And so as you were talking, I was like, oh, wait a minute. I remember a hat and big eye. She was like, that's me. So a lot of them are really exciting. You know, when someone's talking to have a memory of something. And there's something that seems to be a consensus when I tell them to tell me about me. They say you were worldly, highly mature for your age, kind, helpful, mindful, caring. You always laugh, always smiling.

I remember my school reunion, I started laughing. And they were like, oh my God, you still have that laugh. I was like, no, I got that from AA. And they were like, no, you always laugh like that. I was like, really? I thought I got that from AA. And at the same time, they said they knew that I always had drink in hand and everybody knew to always keep it filled. And they always saw me with broken bones. And each and every one of them felt so powerless they couldn't do anything to save me. Isn't that something?

And so at times they were taking me to their house for a couple of hours to get me a reprieve. Even one of my cousins was say through dad, can we just take her home with us for a little bit? Unbeknownst to him, that his dad was a big old pedophile. Hmm. What a life I lived for 24 years. I was not present for my experienced folks. I didn't feel or see the good things or the bad things. Nobody was home, I had no heartbeat. I was not there. That's why I was always laughing and smiling.

I mean everything was good. It was like, what's going on? Why is everybody tripping? I was going to therapist to see H-Blox and all that kind of stuff. They all look like butterflies and I quite sure what we're doing. I'm seeing up two-way mirrors. I'm emancipated at 14. I'm a grown woman at 14 folks. I got my own nonprofit agency in Harlem, New York. My man is 26.

He beats me on a daily basis and you can't tell me that in the mouth. That's my man. And you mind the business. I know how to dress up my outside. You look at pictures like looking maculat. My hair is sharp, my clothes. I got pearls and furs. I was saying I got old. I began to live like a show fight for a scar face. I still love that movie.

What a mess with me. I love that movie. I didn't know that I was dying on the inside. Suffering from a soul sickness. I was a human doing it. I knew nothing about being a human being. I'm a comedian. I blend in. I can be a part of the streets of Wall Street. And then hang out in Harlem.

I heard people around and talk about burning bridges. I don't burn no bridges. I never established any. I need nobody. I need nobody. I want nobody. And I'll buy you. Before you do something to me. I wasn't planning on changing that life. I really wasn't.

And no time that I want to run away. That I say it should be different. This is the way it is. So I would say what happened to me. How did I end up with you? I don't give me say it, but I mean it. I do feel like I'm in a witness protection program. I've been abducted by aliens or something. I went to Disneyland and never left. This is like a whole new world.

As I said, I've heard a lot of stories in these rooms. But here is where I believe most of us meet. Regardless how we started loving Karen, whatever our stories are. But most of us who end up here on this huge ship liner is that for whatever reason at the age of 24, the way I describe it is alcohol betrayed me, abandoned me and let me emotionally retarded when no coping feels this. Now that is a game changer. You say alcohol stops working. You see, to me, the alcohol is fine as long as they don't notice. You see, when everything is good, regardless of the consequences, if my alcoholic life is a normal life, if I'm restful-curdable in this content and I find ease in cover with the next few drinks, why would I be seeing there's a problem? The alcoholic is the last one to know. I was just willing to do it comprehensively, demoralizing things.

When I don't notice, but what happens when you notice? That's what always gets you when the newcomer begins going into this place of remorse and reflecting on all that they've done. And they're like, oh my God, I did this. I did that. Welcome to the land of the living. Because I know when you were in it, you weren't thinking about it? And when I began to notice the look of disgust on my grandmother's face, and that daddy stopped talking to me, when did daddy stop talking to me? And more important, why do I care? Where I go into a bar and I take a drink and I look at you and you're so ugly, that's a problem, y'all. That's a problem.

But you're going to transform by now. I know rules are engaging. You know what I'm saying? And not only that I take a love drink, you're still ugly and I go home with you. That's a problem, man. Come on, you guys, the party is over. The jig is up. Where no matter what I did, no matter whatever combination I couldn't go back into a state of oblivion. It was as though I was resuscitated. I had been in a coma.

And I'm now present in the same U-call line and I had never been here. And the world of spirit got dark. I couldn't go into that place anymore either. It was dark. Y'all talk about lower companions. I started finding lower companions in the world of spirit. I always believed in intuition. I couldn't hear anymore. That still gets me. I love intuition without it.

I'm like, I don't know what to do. You know what I'm saying? I'll be like, hmm, I'm very uncomfortable. And everything, everything just started changing. And I just wanted the good old things back. I like how Dr. Bos I'm just trying to get tight, yo. And no matter what I did, I was so present for my experience. And so I invited death in my life. What else is I'm here for my to do?

And death didn't even take me out. The green reaper don't even want me. You okay? Didn't hit you? That could have been like a movie scene. He's so like a gushaw, right? Well, oh. He had like, he can't see much. You all right? Okay.

That's not funny, but it's funny. I'm in. I ended up in a church. Wasn't looking for the church. It was in Queens, New York. After doing that endless walk with no purpose, no agenda, no destination. It's just a walk. And I stepped inside a church and I felt the presence. And I said a prayer that's different than any other prayer. He came from the depths of my soul.

And I said, God, please allow me to feel the peace that I feel in this church inside of me. I wanted a moment from my head to shut up. My skin stopped crawling into my stomach to stop turning. That's all. I said, I lost my hustle, yo. I had no idea that prayer was going to change my life. Here is where I believe the gift of desperation and the window of the grace of God collide with one another. Our miniatures of 12 and 12 talks about all the in after problems can help a drug like me. We're hearing things like, fuck for the grace of God. I stand before you, soul for today.

Seconds and inches, seconds and inches. In that moment, there I stood, isolation, desperation, bewilderment. You use terms like surrender and letting go and ready. I don't know. I don't have that terminology. I love them. People say, let me know when you read it. I'm not a piece of meat. I don't know what that means. I'm not.

I think it's just my second language. I take everything little. Of course, you're not talking to me, you're ready. I came to Alcoholics Anonymous with my human is up. I came to Alcoholics Anonymous because you have a tradition. After I left that church, I went to daddy. Daddy opened up the door and he just looked at me and I said, help me. I never asked for help before. I'm not no punk. And he said with all the love that a father can have for his daughter, he wished he could tie me up and put me in a closet when he can't.

He said I was standing in the middle of a cross road. There was three directions. I was headed so close I could taste them and smell them. And there was jails, men's institutions and death. But there's another road. He said his car recovered. You don't know anything about it and you need to watch. But if you give it a try and if it doesn't work out, the other three will be waiting for you. That fact made sure to be to this day. And I came to sunny California where I thought everybody was sober.

I thought it was a sober state. I told Daddy I said I had to go to the sober state. California. And that's because my mother was sober and my cousin and they lived in California. And whenever I came here they would come to these meetings. And I remember two people. The smiles, the laughter, the warmth and the camaraderie you had, one another. I said, watch you. I tell you, watching me all weekend. I learned my watching and looking, eavesdropping.

Yep, I'm an eavesdropper. I don't remember that you planted a seed or I would pay attention to you, but I remember you. I remember you never shut me. Roll your arms. I remember you. I remember you. I remember you never shut me. Roll your eyes at me. Suck your teeth at me and shut a shovel pamphlet down my throat. Thank you for not doing that.

I really believe had you done that, I would have figured out how to die out there before I couldn't do right. I detoxed on the great-hand bus, had my last drink and I'll pass all Texas. This man gave me that drink, saved my life. More people died from alcohol, detoxing anything else. I could have died on that bus. Not only did they help me and helped everybody on that bus. Did you imagine that? I came back with the people on that bus. I'm having DTEs. I was like, oh, I do remember when I came back in, I'm like, hi, everybody, everybody, everybody.

I'm like, oh my God, that was scary. Everybody, I don't know what that was about. My mother picked me up and she dropped me off in the rooms of alcohol and synonymous and left me there because she told her to. Mommy can't help me. She told me to the very people that saved her life. So literally I'd been raised in the rooms of alcohol and synonymous. I came to you at the age of 24, but I was emotionally in infant. I knew nothing about nothing. I had no point of reference. I had no memory of much.

I know that my body was hurting. I was very, very confused. And I didn't understand where I was and who I was. I didn't have my oxygen. I'll call my oxygen. I didn't know how to breathe. And I was scared in the land of the living. And I'm so grateful for the old time I was there when I got there. You see, recovery for me has meant more than just not drinking a day. How is one to live?

My entire existence has been not. And I will always mention Marcy and I hope in that phrase that I can just feel a little bit like Marcy. Just a little bit like Marcy. She set the foundation at my feet. She set the tone of hours to move forward in the sink called recovery. There's total stranger, another little body called part of eating woman like myself and Petite. When I came in, Mommy left, she said, as far as I can go with you. And Marcy walked all the way from across the room, unapologetically with certainty and conviction. And she looked at me and said, Hey baby girl, we've been praying for you. God don't make no job, baby girl.

You deserve to be here. You are a child, a god. And she took her hands, put it in my face and moved me closer. I don't think anybody ever looked at me. And she looked at me. And she said, You got a beautiful light inside you baby. And we just got a clean house for that light to shine. I still hear her. That is the foundation of my recovery. You would think that a total stranger says something to me completely contrary to anything I ever heard.

Perhaps they talked about it in the world of spirit or maybe daddy and I will I said it. But it was muffled by all the other noise. But I believed Marcy. And I wanted to know what she saw. You see, we come here for different reasons and some people say it for different reasons. I always remember Leon Strange, he's passed away now. I remember he said this first meeting, this beautiful woman got up to the podium dressed to the line. And she was just gorgeous. And she got up and she said, If you want what I have. And he said, Yes.

And he kept coming back. We all saved every race. I was like, That's right Leon. I want to know what Marcy saw. And she said, We needed a clean house. And the old time was taking me up and they began to spool be this thing called recovery. And thank you for those who are sitting at dinner and I was talking about in some ways it was to my advantage that I came in with no point of reference. I had no push back because I got nothing to refer to. I had no more chips in the game, no more straws to draw. I had no more monthly, no more hats.

Rabbits out of a hat. What were we doing? I have no way to lick. And if you can't help me somebody need to blow my brains out. And so in a way my liabilities were my assets. That I am gullible. I am obedient. As I tell you, I've learned to cross the seas and duck the ox. I'm not the defiant one. I don't defy nobody.

And so I listened to the old times. I didn't argue with nobody. Why would I argue about what? I don't know how to live without alcohol. Why am I dealing with discussion with you? Why would I? I did whatever they told me to do with it. They said they're not. They told me files are black on the white. Praise the only need to ask is they have session with me.

I don't remember going. Praise the whole. I don't believe. I don't know. My knees are. . . I don't know. I didn't. I don't know.

They gave me a sponsor. I didn't hire her. In a view her. I don't know. I remember they did. I knew I cried. You remember this. They used to want to find a sponsor. I found the little whistle lady in the corner of the oxygen tank who couldn't talk. Leave it up to me.

Like, aha, aha. Like, a man. You don't mean you like it. They can't talk. Right. And rip the mob. You know what I'm saying, lady? He's not like, he's not like a papando. He's like, aha. They told me this woman is just father.

I can tell you the times I was sassy. They shook that down quick. I said, they used to want to fight with her. They used to do the next thing. I said, they used to want to find somebody's connect. They had a fine wig. They were like, do now, identify with her. That was the end of that. I said, moving on. My other sassyness was, yes, I came into the room.

I'm coming into my body and feeling myself. I'm only used to being a certain way superficial and outside of, you know, being outside. Dressing on my outside. So I would come to the meeting with fishnet, stockings, and bouquier. High-yol shoes called poo-tashules. Your high-yol shoes. You can have a come in the meeting, wave me like Miss America. And I would keep getting up to the front, get on my other back and call me, and give up you. They shut that down quick. They were like, what you coming in here looking for, baby girl?

You don't have to do that today, baby. I didn't know. I didn't know. Now sit down and no more coffee. And after the meeting, those ladies took me and they taught me how to dress like a lady. And then some we can leave alone and let them learn where they learn, but I was open. I was teachable. Teach me how to live. And they did. They told me you must find a power grilling yourself.

And it's inside of you. All my life I've reached outside of myself. You can't fix me. I wish you would. If you could just love me, please love me. It's inside of you. How do you get there? Do the steps. It ain't that big. I can't remember it.

Sometimes you're like, no, well it's the neurons and the tronsons. And my cultural instability of the dynamics of the world. I'm like, just carry me. Just carry me. Keep it simple. Keep it simple. I got over in South Central Los Angeles. With the hustles, the hustles, the lies and the lies and the cheaters and the cheaters. When many of the women as they call work in public relations. And the cheaters are fake a brahwa.

The patience and the love that they have with me. I share this even though my partner says it's a bit not politically correct. But I thought most of the people in that room were retarded. And that's because they kept it so simple. There were so many characters in that room. And that was to my advantage. You would think that I would say, oh no, no, no. You see, people beneath me. I cannot be around them. And said I was like, that we taught in Mega Hamanheen?

Where's the straight book at? This is a piece of cake. There ain't no way I would let that we taught him. I'd say so when I go to it. It's not gonna happen. I found that he wasn't sorry. He was just keeps a pencil on camera. And I went on this journey. I got a minute. You know, I'm kind of like what it was for me when I came in here in the foundation that's been for me the same way in 36 years.

Regardless of what's gone in my life, a lot in my life. Yes, I've been the care, give it to most of my perpetrators and my abusers. And I did for them everything that I had hated that they never did for me. That that was my assignment to stretch my muscles and to find love within myself and to give it to a mother who never wanted to love me. Because she deserved it. Or my brother. Or my uncle. That I became a demonstration. Could you imagine most of them are gone? Could you imagine the people who always wanted me dead?

Try to kill me. I watched them take their last breath. What? And I did it without being vindictive. I didn't do it as showing it in their face. You can't tell me there is in the garden this program. Don't worry. My time I went over, my tape is gonna get mad. There's a lot of people who are always like ending wood if I will so I can remember them. I have to tell you, I have stretched my spiritual muscles, y'all.

My family, thank you. My nephews love you guys so much. Because they got an awesome 50. I can pray for you and kick your butt. Pick one. It's really cool when their friends call me and be like, oh, I just told you to call you. And I've been saying this lady just to remind myself, because life's been in session. Most people have heard me. Some people say, how is that going? Which one?

And I've been saying this and I have to say it, because it just helps me continue to feel empowered by God's love and God's will. There are moments where I say I go to God, I'm handing in my resignation letter and you're gonna lose your most trusted servant here on earth. I've been hearing this thing about God that's stuck without my permission. Again, does he? And why would he let those people do those things to me? That's the God of my understanding. God requires my permission. Why, why not? If not, then I will do a step three. This is a collaboration.

I have a will and I need to redirect it towards that power. I've had a lot of things taken away from me without my permission. I gave you a list. Parkinson's, my dad's taken away without my permission, cancer, my brother without my permission. All the time is my mother without my permission. I've had jobs taken away, houses taken away. I got a cup that says, best sponsor ever, don't know where they are. They ain't talking to me no more. One lady loved me, BFS, next day, nope. Without my permission, I got that from beaches.

That's what she told home girl, you took away my friendship without my permission. I got everything from the movies. Credit score is going down right now without my permission. The only took away school, right? Without my permission. But there's something that I realized that even in all those situations that have thoughts has occurred to me to drink. Without any effort on my part, it just came. And it's true for all of us if you knew, but there's a disclaimer you have to be in fit, spiritual condition. Hmm. There's something that I have to do with my mother, and I'm not going to be in fit, I'm not going to be in fit, but I'm not going to be in fit, I'm not going to be in fit.

There's something that I realized, there's something that I've been given by the grace of God, and there's something that nobody can take away from me, and it requires my permission. That's my surprise. Now, you're a sobriety, not me much to you. I don't know what you're going to do if you knew, but I don't know, this has just come up with me because I've had a lot of things taken away from you without my permission. But my sobriety is mine. Yep. And nobody can take it away from you without my permission. That's right. It is mine to polish, nourish, take care of it, stand upon it. It is mine to give away, and it is only I who will throw it away, and I'm not going to do it.

That's right. It is the only thing I have that's mine. It is the only thing I have that's mine. The bride you were getting to see by God and what I do, and it is my gift to God. Rock always says that I get a blessing to be a blessing. So I don't know if anybody told you they love you today, I really, really do. You guys have no idea, no idea the 12th step call you've done for me today. Because I usually start out really scared, and it's almost like a one-night sad, because then when I'm done, I'm like, I got mine, and I'll be like done. Thank you for allowing me to be here.